Thursday, 22 August 2013

Balance, round 2

Yesterday was rough. I tried to do too much but couldn't, then tried thinking about balance and congratulated myself for dropping one small plan out of a still too busy day. I was surprised to find myself cranky and tired with a full-on tension headache all day. By the time I got home from work, I was weepy. Wine would have handily shifted that mood for me, and I was feeling mighty sorry for myself that I couldn't indulge and just check out for a few hours. I ended up whinging to my partner about my sorry self, and then eating some yoghurt and drinking some sparking water. Then I felt OK, and it was late, and so I went to bed.

What is this check out thing, anyway? I hear other people talking about it, and for me it's one of the big things I got out of drinking. I know that. I knew that even when I was drinking lots. The other day I wrote a long post about that, called "Get me out of here," but I worried it sounded too unstable and deleted it without posting. Lucky for me, a day or two later Amy at Soberbia said more or less what I was thinking, except that she said it with more charm and wit, and she offered some way out that I hadn't seen. (Thanks, Amy.) So I see that getting out of my head is part of what I do, drinking or not. But where else can you go?

Part of the balance I think I need is to accept myself as I am, and that includes accepting that I'm not some chillax yoga queen who beams serenity at the world. At the same time, I'm not someone who loves to boast about being busy. I spent years recovering from major depression, working part-time and walking on beaches, reading fiction and poetry and soaking up the world. Not busy then, no. After a while, I wanted to get out and do stuff again. And that's what I'm doing. To much time out wasn't good for me, wasn't balanced either. I'm trying to do the things I want to do without getting overwhelmed. I guess that means sometimes it won't work, and I will get overwhelmed, and all that means is I have to back it off a little bit and keep trying to figure it out.

And in all this, I'm not drinking. 48 days today, sober. So that's something! And despite a few weepy bits here and there, and a sincere wish to get out of here once in a while, I'm mostly doing fine. Better than I was 49 days ago, that's for sure.

I've been reading about habit and creativity and imagination, and I'm simmering some ideas on that, but I see I've chattered enough for now. I'll go out and enjoy the sunshine and try to put all that together another day. If you got this far, thanks for reading!


  1. Oh love.. I'm going through my old posts at the moment and BINGO right around 50 days I was all over the fucking show drama emotion slamming doors tears just so fucking emotional.. it was full on and I HATED it because I thought I was a cruisy calm person who avoided conflict. Take away our liquid smooth-all and we lurch all over the show at first as we adjust. And that's the thing. At first. that weepy feeling and that gritty uncomfortable itchy moody low shitty emotional feeling that you have right now.. it is a normal part of adjusting to life without alcohol. All you have to do is keep going not drinking, keep going not drinking, keep going... and things smooth out. I promise. xxx

  2. Thanks, Mrs D. This is normal? It sure doesn't feel normal, but I'm relieved to hear it is. Getting used to dealing with being me all after always, always drinking instead of just plain dealing has to take a little time. And it's not like I'm the soul of patience. Today is a bit better. I'm puttering around. Clearing things up. Not trying too much at once. Easy does it. I'm taking your word for it that things get better. So far they have, crappy moodiness notwithstanding! xo

  3. I haven't met anyone yet who sincerely beams serenity like a yoga queen or pilates king. We all have our days, and we all have our moments. We have our phases, and we go through things. We tend to fluctuate between feeling grand and then feeling like strangling others...perhaps within minutes...ha ha. Emotionally, it took me about 90 days to start evening out. Like Mrs. D said, I was emotional too. Hated everyone, then loved everyone. I couldn't stop it. I felt mad at times. Stark raving. But it does even out. The usual things help - good diet, exercise, balance. Easy to I am still striving for those things, but I have a lot of tools in the toolkit and have a different way of looking at things, plus I have people in my life I can take things too. I didn't feel I had that early on. But you have some good insight into this, and are seeing this, which is great! Ride 'em cowboy, and keep on that horse :)


  4. Thanks for the moral support, Paul. The ups and downs are rough, but it helps to know you've all been through the same sort of thing. I've got the diet and exercise thing down pretty OK, but it's balancing time I find tricky. But I'm working on it. Many thanks for stopping by and adding your thoughts!