Yesterday was rough. I tried to do too much but couldn't, then tried thinking about balance and congratulated myself for dropping one small plan out of a still too busy day. I was surprised to find myself cranky and tired with a full-on tension headache all day. By the time I got home from work, I was weepy. Wine would have handily shifted that mood for me, and I was feeling mighty sorry for myself that I couldn't indulge and just check out for a few hours. I ended up whinging to my partner about my sorry self, and then eating some yoghurt and drinking some sparking water. Then I felt OK, and it was late, and so I went to bed.
What is this check out thing, anyway? I hear other people talking about it, and for me it's one of the big things I got out of drinking. I know that. I knew that even when I was drinking lots. The other day I wrote a long post about that, called "Get me out of here," but I worried it sounded too unstable and deleted it without posting. Lucky for me, a day or two later Amy at Soberbia said more or less what I was thinking, except that she said it with more charm and wit, and she offered some way out that I hadn't seen. (Thanks, Amy.) So I see that getting out of my head is part of what I do, drinking or not. But where else can you go?
Part of the balance I think I need is to accept myself as I am, and that includes accepting that I'm not some chillax yoga queen who beams serenity at the world. At the same time, I'm not someone who loves to boast about being busy. I spent years recovering from major depression, working part-time and walking on beaches, reading fiction and poetry and soaking up the world. Not busy then, no. After a while, I wanted to get out and do stuff again. And that's what I'm doing. To much time out wasn't good for me, wasn't balanced either. I'm trying to do the things I want to do without getting overwhelmed. I guess that means sometimes it won't work, and I will get overwhelmed, and all that means is I have to back it off a little bit and keep trying to figure it out.
And in all this, I'm not drinking. 48 days today, sober. So that's something! And despite a few weepy bits here and there, and a sincere wish to get out of here once in a while, I'm mostly doing fine. Better than I was 49 days ago, that's for sure.
I've been reading about habit and creativity and imagination, and I'm simmering some ideas on that, but I see I've chattered enough for now. I'll go out and enjoy the sunshine and try to put all that together another day. If you got this far, thanks for reading!