Something odd happened a few weeks ago, and it got me thinking. I was at work at the library, speaking with a woman I know about what we're each reading, and she told me she used to be an addictions counsellor. As she put it, that was her problem and so she learned a lot about it. I asked if she still did that work, and she laughed at me and said she was almost eighty years old. (She sure doesn't look it!) She's one of those people, you know, that it seems the light shines right out of them, and I thought how amazing it must be to be her, almost eighty and luminous. Right around Christmas, we had another conversation, and she made a wish for me, that "something you want, that no one knows you want, will happen for you this year." I was a bit speechless (which I have to say isn't typical for me!) I thought, what is that thing? Solve the drinking thing? Write something good? I wasn't sure, and I still don't know.
But I made one small decision: I'm starting another spell of not drinking. Might be a week, or 30 days, or 90. I'll take a few days to see how long I think it needs to be.
I wish I could just blink and figure out this drinking thing. I know when I wasn't drinking for my 100+ days, I felt good. But I resist and react badly to the idea that not drinking is so much better. And I do like drinking wine, just not drinking too much of it. Not having any problem at all would definitely be better, but that doesn't seem to be where I am. Dang! It's hard to say what happens when I change course on this. My spa week was also great. I felt good, and I wasn't sure what I would do once it ended, but in the end I decided to drink some wine over Christmas and New Years. Sometimes it was a lot, sometimes not. Mostly I enjoyed it, but I can't exactly call it moderate, and I know it's too much for me. I think it is possible to learn to drink moderately, but I don't feel I have much of a handle on how to do it. So I'm going back to not drinking for a while. Not forever. But for some little stretch of time, so I can clear my head and think about it. Even if I keep doing this on and off, I think I'm learning as I go.
OK, here's to sparkling water and fresh juices, clear thinking and nighttime reading, and trying to not be so bloody conflicted about this booze nonsense. Wish me luck, or whatever it is I need to figure it all out!