Monday 3 February 2014

Round 2, Day 28: Building new habits, plucking out weeds.

No great angst or earth-shaking tremors here today. I'm just pleased that 4 weeks ago,  I walked through the park to the good wine store, not the one right around the corner, and everything except that walk in the park felt wrong, and then, despite the full bottle of one of my favourite wines still in the cupboard, the next morning I announced to my partner that I was starting another Spa Week. I knew at the time I was probably quitting for a lot longer than that, or for good, but starting with the week is just easier for me. I'm so glad I did that. The four weeks haven't been easy, but I think I'm heading in the right direction.

This time around, I'm noticing a strange contradiction in my experience. In any given instance, not drinking is, for me, not so difficult. I know how to do that. But theoretically, not drinking is a huge challenge. The reasons why I should drink, when I can again, why it's OK now, how in some circumstances it might be the best thing, all those bits of mental chatter carry on in the background a lot of the time. It's like living in a nice, quiet apartment right next door to party central. I want to bang on the door and yell, "Can't you just be quiet in there for a while?" but there is no door to bang on. There's just me, both sides of the imaginary door, and me yelling at me isn't going to quiet anything down. Some time early this morning, before I'd even got out of bed, I found myself calmly thinking that the language of addiction was just too draconian for me to accept, and I would probably go ahead and have a glass of champagne when I finish my degree. I mean, honestly. Anticipating celebrating the end of a degree that I haven't even finished yet, and putting distance between myself and what I know to be working for me at the same time, all before the day even starts!

The thing is, I'm paying attention to these thoughts. I'm trying to use the infamous zen advice about unwanted thoughts: weed early and weed often. Right now I'm reading a lot about the psychology of habit. Despite our emphasis on our bad habits here in the online sober (or-trying-to-be-sober) world, we are all built up out of our habits. Some are good and some not, and we can change them bit by bit, but habits are what we are to a large extent. So even though it's not that hard for me to not drink today, in one sense that's only the surface of the habit. The rest of it is all that submerged, semi-conscious way of living that associates booze with celebration, and that hates (hates! hates!) admitting that I have any kind of problem that I can't just wish away. I want so much to not have a problem with drinking, to be able to just will it away. I can spend far too much time living as if the mental were the world, but that's a false picture of life. I'm starting, learning, to have a healthy respect for the body. Maybe that's what the advice "just don't drink today" means. Just doing that, day after day, maybe that's the training camp for the new habit. Maybe, after a while, after I keep on not drinking day after day after day, and after I keep on offering a calm, "No, we don't do that anymore" to the chattering party-mind that's looking to the future champagne, the new habit will be more solid, and I'll have fewer of those thoughts. I'm pretty sure I can't will my problem away, no matter how strong-willed I am. But I can change what I do, and make room for the newer thoughts that support it. That's how I'm building a new habit, and that seems like good work to be doing.

I'm not at all sure that makes sense to anyone besides me. But this will: this time around, I decided to open a new bank account. For every day I didn't drink, I would put $10 in it--a modest estimate of what I would  have been spending on booze, but it's an easy number to calculate. I'm not sure what I will do with it, but I don't even get to decide until my first goal (3 months, or 13 weeks) is up. As of today, I really do have a growing little fund of $280 (and ten cents interest!), money taken away from something I know is certainly not good for me, to put toward some future thing that is. Hooray for that!

If you're still here, thanks for reading along. Good luck feeding your new habits and weeding out bits that remain of the ones you don't want anymore. Peace and joy and big Monday sunshine to you!

T


6 comments:

  1. LOVE the Savings Account tip. I have been tallying it up every now and then, but it would be extremely gratifying to see it accumulate, along with all the other good, less tangible things. Thanks.

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    1. Oh good, I'm glad that you think that's a good idea. Gratifying indeed! Thanks for reading.

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  2. I so wish I had thought of the saving account thing! That is just genius!

    I don't think there is anything wrong with "planning" to drink. In my early days I did it all the time. When my boys get married I'll have champagne. When I'm sober 10 years I'll try drinking again. I'll only drink on vacation and my birthday.

    It was just words. Words that helped get me through some very difficult times. Times when I was angry at myself, my parents, genetics and the world. Times when I was sad because I thought that everyone else was having fun except me. Times when I was anxious because I wanted to drink RIGHT NOW so I gave myself these words.

    But now? Nope. Not even gonna go there. Because what I have now, on my worst day, is still better than anything a glass of champagne or a bottle of wine could ever give me.

    You'll figure this out. Your way.

    Sherry

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    1. Thanks, Sherry! For some reason, thinking and planning often seem more real to me than actual doing. It's a relief to know you did that too, and it didn't derail you. OK, on with this figuring out. Glad you like the bank account idea, too! xo

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  3. You're a genius for having an actual savings account for your 'used to be wine' account. I kept a mental note of money saved, but a real live bank balance is a great idea. I've been reading and listening to a lot of material about thinking habits and mind chat over the past year, and I am convinced that the most important (and perhaps only important) things are to a) notice that you are thinking, b) notice what you are thinking, and know that you don't have to believe what you're thinking. If you haven't met Tara Brach yet, you might want to check out some of her pod casts. Her teachings are so simple and practical, but profound. http://tarabrach.com/audiodharma.html. As always, thanks for writing.

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    1. Thanks, Sue! You know, I've heard of Tara Brach but I don't know here. I'm going to take a look right now, because that's exactly what I need to learn. I'm trying to find the line between noticing what I'm thinking and letting it wig me out and I think I'm making some progress. I'm so glad you like the bank account idea! It's one more way of reminding myself how much better life is without drinking. I really appreciate you reading and commenting. Thanks for the moral support! xo

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