Saturday 1 March 2014

Cranky note to self: Sometimes this is hard.

Tonight work was a bit of a disaster. I'm going to leave out most of the details. But on three separate occasions, people blew up and yelled and swore at me and had to be escorted out by security. One person threw something at me before he went. And in between, patrons asked me why I wasn't smiling, or whether I was tired, or why I was being so serious. I don't know, I'm just not always all that cheery after being told to go #$%% myself. There are lots of reasons for the work crap--I work in a poor part of town where an extremely high proportion of the population has mental health and addiction problems. (And I'm not even talking about the staff!) On Saturday night, we are one of the few places open, and everyone is welcome as long as they are not obviously drunk or high and can keep it together enough not to swear or throw things and so on, but lots of people can only do that for a while before they blow, often because they really want to be drunk or high but they've already spent the cash, or they just have really bad stuff going on and one more irritation is more than they can cope with. Hell, I get it. But sometimes I just don't feel able to withstand the barrage of abuse that happens on a regular basis. All the advice to breathe and not take it personally and let it wash over you and so on is fine, and it helps, but I am the person who is working and being yelled at and sworn at and so on, and I don't know if there's really any way around finding it upsetting sometimes.

It wasn't all bad. I did not swear back at anyone, much as I wanted to. I didn't throw anything. I didn't even cry until after I'd biked home. And no, I did not buy wine and drink it when I got home, which was my standard go-to solution for a night like this. I know it won't help. I feel raw enough already, and I know this not drinking gig is moving things in the right direction. The kettle is just boiled, so I will pour myself a cup of herbal tea and go read the Pema Chodron book I have on the go--Taking the Leap: Freeing Ourselves From Old Habits and Fears. Free. That's the right direction.

Tonight I feel like the edges of my nerves are exposed. And it's hard. Not having a way out of feeling is sometimes just plain tough to deal with. I am hoping, because I'm listening to the people who have done this already, that the raw edges smooth out a bit after a while. At 54 days sober, they sure are still a bit ragged sometimes. Anyway, for now, tea will help.

Peace and joy to you, and to those troubled folk who blew up at me tonight, if they can find some. Maybe there's enough of that going around that I can have some, too.

10 comments:

  1. Oh, I am sending you a hug and another cup of tea. I hate other people's shit sometimes. :( And peace and joy to you. There's plenty to go around. And! You made all the right hard decisions- progress. That's joyous right there. xo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Aw, thanks Amy. Hug happily received! Making good decisions the the face of other people's shit: I think I have a new mantra! I'm just heading back for another shift, which I hope is calm and cheery. Hope you're feeling better, too. xoxo

      Delete
  2. your blog is helpful. am getting The Good House from the library,

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I really appreciate your kind words. So glad what I write is helpful. Best wishes, and let me know if you enjoy the book. xo

      Delete
  3. Congratulations on your 54 days sober and for not letting the jerks send you out for a bottle of wine. Having someone swear at you is awful. Hope your shift today was better. xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks so much. Yes, today was much better. Being on the receiving end of swearing is pretty rough. And yes, indeed, let's none of us let the jerks send out for wine! Surely we can do better than that. Take care. xo

      Delete
  4. Hugs and support from over here in France :o)
    ... and well done for not "turning to it" after an evening like that!
    G x

    ReplyDelete
  5. Hugs hugs and more hugs and a big BRAVO for not giving in and turning what was a bad day into a disaster.

    Woot!

    Sherry

    ReplyDelete