Friday 28 March 2014

Round 2, Day 81: Telling other people

Tonight my partner and I are going to dinner with his parents and some family friends. I wasn't sure how (or even whether) to broach the subject of not drinking with them. Right off, I should say, I have no plans to drink. Absolutely none. So that's not a worry. But the parents and the hosts know me as a wine drinker, and are likely to have bought some nice wine especially to share with me and my partner, so just a simple "not for me" wouldn't pass as an answer. It would be like if you got hold of some great steak and made a lovely meal around it for the steak-loving friend you never get to see, and then she showed up and said she was just having a salad. There are other people involved, and they care. That's how people are. And though I know there are lots of different views on this, it's really important for me to not make other people uncomfortable when they're drinking just because I'm not. I read a lot of "it's no one else's business what you drink" kind of posts, but I think sometimes that might be a bit disingenuous. Culturally alcohol is a shared pleasure, and refusing to share in something is a social and cultural act, not just a personal one. Of course, that's not to say I'm OK with people winding someone up because they're not drinking. That's bad form. But I can see this one from both sides. We make up each other's worlds and other people make up ours, and I'm trying to find a graceful way to participate in this part of my social world now that I'm not drinking anymore.

I have schoolwork to do for the afternoon, but my partner has headed out to spend the day with the folks, and they'll come get me later. As he was leaving, we were making arrangements, when to pick me up, whether we need to bring wine or some other gift, can I really bring two bottles of sparkling water, because one always disappears when everyone sees what a great idea it might be to have some, and that's fantastic, but then I don't want to have tap water for the rest of the night. Just because I quit drinking, doesn't mean I've quit hyper-planning some details, and actually it does help me a lot to work my way through some obvious scenarios ahead of time. Anyway. While we were sorting out our arrangements, my partner asked, "Is it OK if I tell my parents that you're not drinking?" I wasn't sure. Should he tell them it's forever? What would he say if they asked questions? They would ask why, and he's deeply honest and incapable of being glib, a great quality but not one I could rely on if I wanted him to fudge the truth a bit. In my mind I was screaming "NOOOOOO!, because in my mind, he was saying, "Should I just tell everyone you're an ALCOHOLIC?" But he said, sensibly, that it might be easier for me if at least some people at dinner already knew I wouldn't be drinking. And whether they should pick up wine for dinner might come up while they were on the way to get me, so it wouldn't be awkward. We settled on yes. Tell them I'm not drinking. If they ask, explain that I was so busy with school, and I found it easier to be clear-headed and not anxious if I didn't drink, so I'd stopped, and I do feel better. That way if they've already bought special wine, they won't be surprised and disappointed when I'm not sharing it. And they will already be onside if the hosts are pushing wine on me at the dinner, as they may well do.

My god, it takes a lot of thinking things through sometimes. But it's good. It sounds like worrying, but it's more like setting things up ahead of time so when we go, I won't have to worry. Now I can look forward to socializing at dinner, and the drink conversation will mostly have been taken care of. I'm so grateful that my partner gets what I'm doing and can step in to help. It was harder for him last time around, as he really didn't understand how important it all was for me. How could he, when I didn't understand it myself! This time, I'm more aware all around. And I really really really don't want to drink, so that helps!

The other day, I had a long phone chat with my sister, who lives on the other side of the country, (though she would say I'm the one on the other side, as she's "home" and I'm "away"). We had a big talk about the drinking, and I was able to tell her that I'd quit for good. I think she got it! It was such a relief to be open about it, and to be heard. But then she told me what she thought was a funny story about someone making a joke about someone not having beer in the fridge for once, and I was able to say that the joke might actually be painful, not funny, if the someone was trying to quietly make some changes without being the butt of anyone's well meaning humour. It simply hadn't occurred to her that anyone might discreetly try to cut down or quit and might be sensitive about it, even after all we'd talked about me having done exactly that! And she's lovely, a truly kind and thoughtful person, but she just hadn't seen the possible hurt or shame in the situation. The conversation got me thinking about how much where you are has an effect on the drinking, and the quitting. Where I'm from, everybody drinks. A lot. No one is considered to have a problem unless they're pretty hard up, and laughing it off is the norm. I see how much easier it's been for me to quit here, "away," than it would ever have been if I still lived "home".

Last week again I told someone that I didn't drink anymore, and we had a very interesting conversation. We had been talking about the lives of some poets she was reading and the central role that fear of death played in their lives. Many of these writers drank a lot, which was how the drink thing came up in the conversation. I said I had long been afraid of life, and I guess maybe I drank to get out of life once in a while, but I was getting better at facing life, and facing it made me realize it's actually glorious, even though it's still a bit scary. So that's where I am these days--sometimes having existential chats about booze and poetry and death, sometimes working things out with the family, sometimes just concerned that my hosts enjoy their dinner. Sometimes signing off to go write that paper!

Peace and joy to you, and lively conversations and dinners or whatever else it is you like doing with the people you love.


7 comments:

  1. Sounds like the sober angel is looking after you Thirsty, and even smoothing the way in social situations. Great idea to take two bottles of sparkling water... I get really possessive when people just pick up the sparkling water and pour it like it was just, well, water, and not a bit of a life-saver. XX

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    1. I'm well looked after, that's for sure! Thanks, Sue. I did bring lots, and eventually people shifted to that instead of wine. Hope you're doing well! xo

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  2. It does get easier to tell people, and to feel comfortable with it. Yes bring THREE bottles of sparkling- every time I only bring one people drink it all up! Which means that maybe everyone isn't as keen on the wine as we think? I was terrified of telling my husband's family and they were more supportive than I ever could have imagined in my best case scenarios. I think that if you think of how you would react in that situation (supportive and kind) then that's how almost everyone will react. People are so good at understanding when we least expect it. And there are many, many of us sober folk out there. We just aren't all drunk and loud about it. ;) xoxoxo

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    1. Thanks, Amy. Yes, I'm finding already that telling people gets a little easier, and people are mainly pretty supportive. Good idea to think about how I would be--instead, I usually imagine, what's the worst thing possible! Anyway, it all went well. I'm finding it's way more fun to go to dinners without drinking. I cannot believe I ever would have said that! Thanks for the moral support. xo

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  3. your remark about the sparkling water made me laugh as that has happened to me too! deciding what/when to say to other people is tricky. in many ways I do still feel I am an enabler of other people's problems, as I just keep quiet when someone else is going on about how lovely a glass of wine would be, how they're looking forward to a really heavy drinking session... sigh. and this is not to do with me at all. it is all them. but by staying quiet I by default agree with what they are saying when I don't at all. I am also hoping telling people will get easier. Glad you are having fun at dinners without drinking! xx

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    1. Hi Primrose. Who knew sparkling water could be such a hot commodity at the wine table? It's kind of funny, getting possessive about it just like I used to with wine. Bringing lots so everyone can have at it is way better! (And way cheaper than bringing 2 or 3 bottles of wine.)

      I hear you on the enabling vs telling people thing. I'm comfortable enough when people talk about looking forward to a glass of wine, but when it's about "needing a drink" or a heavy drinking session, sometimes I'm not sure what to say. Often I just smile and then change the subject pretty quickly, on the premise that pointing out a shiny object usually works to distract most people. Once in a while I have said, "I can't do that any more," or something like that, and that gets me out of feeling like an unwilling accomplice without sounding like a scold. It's tricky. But I am finding that the more I tell people, the easier it gets. Hope it gets easier for you too. Thanks for your thoughts on this! xo

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    2. sounding like a scold, yes. I had a really awkward moment with an acquaintance a few days ago who said in so many words, "we do seem to drink a lot of wine, but then everybody does, don't they?" at which point I cracked and said, "well, actually, I don't. I don't drink.' at which she looked somewhat flabberghasted and the conversation well and truly ran aground :( I didn't handle that gracefully, either. sigh.

      I usually change the subject, too. Your 'shiny object' made me laugh! in future will think "Squirrel!" like the dogs in Up! xx

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