Saturday 5 April 2014

Round 2, Day 89: I'm still here.

Yesterday I was immersed in my last big writing deadline of the semester. I spent the day alternately writing (obviously!), walking around the block to calm down, and trying to get around that terrible angst that kicks in when you wish you had another week but you really need to wrap the project up and send it in. And man did I ever want a drink! I know, I know, it does't work for me, not anymore, not in the long run. But all the things I do to calm myself take time, and I just didn't have much time, so I was tense and uncomfortable all day, and I didn't get anywhere nearly enough sleep. This morning I was up at six for a final proofread before submitting the paper. It won't be my best work, but it is done, and I met my deadline, and now I can sleep for a couple of hours before I head to work.

Anyway, I didn't drink. (I knew I wouldn't, because I'm not going to drink! But not drinking is still work sometimes, and I get that you don't always really know for sure, even when you're sure. Does that makes sense?) Every time I get through some difficult time without drinking is a little accomplishment. It reminds me of long bike rides I've done, especially the part of every long ride when I think I can't go on, and I start to imagine myself just getting off the bike and lying down by the side of the road, hoping that if I play dead, some nice driver in a pickup truck might rescue me from the self-imposed torture of biking. But I love biking. I wouldn't do it if I didn't. And later, I'm always so proud of myself that I finished. Some of these school deadlines seem the same. For all my whinging here, I really love the work, and though this semester has been really hard--as I was killer depressed for half of the term so I had to do 13 weeks worth of work in about six weeks--I still love it. And I did it! I didn't die. I didn't drink. I didn't have to drop my courses and defer for a year, which I was prepared to do if things got any worse for me a couple of months ago. Now I just have my thesis defence this coming week, and then I have a little time to recuperate before the short intercession begins.

In exciting news, I was accepted for grad school and granted a good-sized fellowship to fund the school, so next year I can keep on with the studies without having to spend half the week at my day job. Hooray for that! I really do love this work, and I know I'm lucky to get a chance to do it here in this middle age. I can't credit my success so far with being sober, as I was drinking (with on and off periods of quitting) all the while I was working on this degree and applying for the next one. But I knew I could neither cope with the workload if I kept drinking at the pace I was going, nor could I afford to cut down my work hours and live on student funding if I was drinking as much as I had been.

This semester was a whole lot harder without drinking. I almost feel like I shouldn't say that, because it might sound discouraging to some people, but it's true. It was easier for me to do the massive work of writing and deadlines on my old wine-as-reward system. I need a new way of working, and I haven't quite figured it out yet. But the old way wasn't sustainable anyway. I will figure it out, I know. Time helps. The main thing for me (and that's why I'm writing this) is not to pretend that it's all good or always better or that it's suddenly easier without drinking. I just wanted to remind myself that, even though it's been hard, not drinking is worth it. I'm committed, and I see from other people that it gets better, even though it's not a smooth and steady ascent. (One of my sober blogging pals decided to end his sober spell yesterday, which made me sad. It also made me question what I was doing. There's no point pretending we're not all in this together, what we do effects the rest of us here. We're social creatures all the way through, we people. So my main point in writing this, even though I'm really dead tired here, is to do a little reconnaissance mission and remind myself what I'm doing and why I'm doing it. It's moral support for myself, though if you're reading this, you're party of that support.)

OK, I need some more sleep before I head to work for the day. If you're still here too, thanks for reading. I really appreciate your company along this getting sober way. Peace and joy and happy Saturdays to you, and a nap if you need one!

13 comments:

  1. every day of not drinking is another brick in your sober castle you are building for yourself. and putting your head above the parapet to check what and why you're building it can be a good idea. because it is your castle and it needs to belong to you, to suit you. I also struggle with it when a online buddy crashes out. because we are all here for each other and part of that is feeling one another's pain. well done on the deadline and how exciting about the fellowship!!!!

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    1. Thanks, Primrose. I really appreciate the support, and your wise words. It's true, you really do need to stop and think about this sober business once in a while. I like thinking of it as a build-to-suit castle! I was thinking about what you said on your post, about being positive, and I try to do that too, and then I have to talk about the other stuff or what I'm saying here starts to sound too far off my day-to-day. But my day-to-day really is mostly great, and I wouldn't trade this for what ended up being, for me, the waste and false promise of drinking. We do feel one another's pain sometimes here in sober blogland but we share the joys, too. I know I'd find it a tough gig to be going on my own. Thanks for being here and being so lovely! xo

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  2. I was really sad when I caught up with Gray last night too. In purely selfish terms he was the only person who'd ever visibly visited my blog and I felt really shocked and alone. Having said that, I know where he's coming from because I quit drinking for 3 months, felt much better and thought I'd try moderation, that I could enjoy a smaller amount. I quickly discovered that I couldn't enjoy a single drop because every sip of that first glass I'd be thinking about how I could get away with a bit more, and every glass after I'd know I wasn't doing what I'd intended. I'd promised that if I couldn't drink responsibly I'd stop again, and after six weeks it was obvious that was the only way out. The last day I was drinking I was topping up from a bottle and glass hidden in the wardrobe! I really thought I'd love a glass of wine and I simply couldn't get any joy from it. I guess I know that for sure now, I only drink to get drunk, and I'm at peace with not wanting to be a drunk. I hope Gray finds a compromise that makes him happy without killing him. I wish he'd just carry on blogging about life in general, he's interesting and I'll miss him.

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    1. Hi KT. Thanks so much for your comment. I did the same thing last fall after having quit drinking for almost 4 months. I thought I would be fine, but I was soon angling for that next glass, too, and I was very quickly up to drinking too much. And for me, too much was in part an amount, but also it meant I realized I just couldn't go back to not being aware of the problem. I'm at peace with it now too. I just can't drink any more, and I do actually prefer being sober than being caught in that torturous headspace. Gray's story made me sad, yes because I'll miss him, but also because I remembered how hard it was, being sure I could drink and then having to face the sadness of the problem all over again, and I hate to think he will have to go through more pain and hell. I hope he works out what he needs to work out, too, and I hope he come's back to writing.

      Anyway, I'm so sorry this all made you feel so alone. I DID visit your blog last week and enjoyed reading but I was on my big deadline, so I just bookmarked it to come back later. I'll pop over to say hi right now! No need to feel alone here in this supportive sober space. We can miss Gray together and keep each other company, too. Take care of yourself. xo

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  3. Oh, of course, it's the awareness that sucks out the joy. I actually hadn't thought of that, but it's so obvious. Once you understand what it's doing to you it's impossible to enjoy it unless you sink so much you forget, which makes moderation futile and if you drink enough to forget, boy do you remember at 3am...

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    1. That's how I think about it, anyway. But that said, I spent years thinking I had a problem and then setting that thought aside. But having faced it and written about it for months on end, it does get harder to pretend that all is well. Funny enough, now that I've given up pretending things are OK, things are a lot better. And yes, when you're drinking, the argument against it kind of crystallizes at 3-4 AM, doesn't it? xo

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  4. Well done you in getting all this stuff done and not drinking! Honestly, I'm like, yay, I'm so great, I've got the laundry and shopping done, and fed the kids and got the eldest to do homework, and not had a drink. These are awesome achievements, and really stressful. I'm glad you fessed up that it was tough to do it without drinking. I don't think it helps anyone to pretend that it's easier to do than it is - I love positive posts when people say, hey, this sober life is great, but I love honest posts that admit when times are tough, too. I have been so up and down the last couple of months, it's good to know that I'm not alone in finding it difficult. (Even if I have far fewer excuses on the stress front.) I'm sure it would have been bloody tough, too, if you had been drinking. And now you have a fellowship for grad school. Which sounds amazingly positive and exciting. :) :)
    PS - Am also sad about Gray. Didn't know where to say that / who to say it to. I've not been long in this little sober blogging community and don't "know" many people yet. Sort of like saying goodbye to a friend you hadn't quite had the chance to get to know yet. I really hope things work out for him.

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    1. Aw thanks, MTM. I don't have kids and I did my laundry this afternoon for the first time in about a month (and only after I saw your comment and realized it had been at least that long!) I'm doing a lot, but I suspect it's not more than you, just different stuff and different stresses. At least when I want to forget about schoolwork, I can go for a run or a bike ride, or read a mystery, but you can't exactly put the kids on a shelf for the afternoon and hope they're still there when you get back. I'm kind of in awe of all the moms who are doing this sober gig! I think that's way harder than school. But I do love the school, and yes, I'm very pleased about getting trough it.

      And I'm so pleased what you say re talking about the crappy parts. I can be a bit of a sunny-sider and I do myself no favours that way. Some of these more dreary posts are a reminder to me, just in case later I think, "See, quitting was easy so I could do it again if I drink and things don't go well." I'm not planning to do that, but I'm building all the defences I need for when I have to talk myself down from that kind of thinking.

      I hope Gray is OK, too. He's got his own road to find, and he's the only one who can find it. I sure do wish him well, though, and I hope he knows how many of us are so fond of him and wishing him the best. When I started drinking again last fall, someone later told me she was saddened by that, and it really shocked me, as I didn't realize people care. Now I'm on the other side of that and I see how it goes. Anyway, we'll all stick together and help each other as best we can when we can, and if some people come and go, I know they're still trying to figure it all out, too.

      Thanks for dropping by and commenting. Take care. xo

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  5. Hey ThirstyStill - big congrats on Grad School! I agree that at first everything is harder.. there is no doubt about that. So the 'easy' thing would be to go back to the old habits because that's what we know and are used to .. and so it's 'easier'. But of course you know because you're a kick-ass smart cookie that in the long run it's not the easy way.. and you know because I tell you and others who are farther ahead as well that it doesn't always stay 'harder' .. the not drinking gets easier and then life gets easier than it ever did before we stopped drinking. Ok this is a very convoluted comment. I should edit or re-write but I'm just going to hit publish and then go and eat cake (a pear upside down delight that I just whipped up this afternoon, call me Nigella - without the cocaine).. ok I am digressing now. Also.. who is this Gray? I'm not sure that I was following him… but am hearing that he relapsed… is he going to keep blogging. I hope he doesn't feel too shitty.. it's a fucking hard addiction to beat and sometimes it takes a few goes.. that alcohol really plays with our minds … here's hoping he'll get back on the sobriety horse. And with that GOODBYE! xxx

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    1. https://graysgrogblog.wordpress.com/2014/04/04/gray-crashed-and-burned-but-he-chose-to-o/

      "I just decided to reclaim the only “me” that I recognised."

      Ouch.

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    2. Thanks, Mrs D! Ramble away, it's always good to hear what you have to say, and yes you do make heaps of sense. You're right, it gets easier, I know that and I believe you, and it already has got easier. And anyway, when I went back to my old habits they weren't easy any more, and they weren't all that much fun, either. I'm liking this sober life a lot! Thanks to KT for answering your question about Gray. He's a lovely funny guy who quit drinking for a while and then started again, as many of us do, but he's quit blogging while doing that, and that part is sad because these online friendships really do sustain us. But we are here, and people have to figure things out for themselves. I know I sure had to! Take care, and thanks for the congrats! Hooray! xo

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    1. Thanks, Scott, I appreciate the moral support.(Though I'm not sure how to take "at your age"! I'm middle aged, not a dinosaur!!!) Anyway, yes some stresses have passes and more will come but there is no life without stress, and it's the coping that matters. I am coping, and finding plenty of joy in that. Hope you're doing well, too! xo

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