Saturday 3 May 2014

Bike trip, old friends, sunshine--sober!

My partner and I just took a bike trip to a pretty little island city I used to live in. We spent four sunny days away from work and school, biking and walking and eating in restaurants, hanging out in cafes and bookstores, visiting old friends. I'm back at work today, but I'm pretty darn relaxed.

This was my first sober vacation (other than a visit with my partner's family) since I quit drinking, and I'm amazed at how lovely it is to travel without drinking. I can hardly believe I'm saying this, but it's true! We went to some of my favourite restaurants, places I've gone for years and would never have imagined going without ordering wine, and I can honestly say the meals were better for not having wine with them. It's the same old story as other sober people tell, but it's still fresh and new to me: it's such a relief, not thinking about when we can have wine,obsessing about wine, wondering about having more wine.The only wine worry was remembering to reassure my partner to order some for himself! He's so considerate that he would probably just leave off if he thought it might bother me. I end up looking at wine menus with him, thinking about which wine would go with which food, and that's a big part of the fun anyway. I found myself really enjoying the meals, lingering over them just as we would have if we were drinking a bottle of wine. I ordered a bottle of sparkling water and a wine glass for the nice dinners, so I could keep refilling the glass, as the sipping and pouring seems to be part of the dining ritual I enjoy. After dinner we ordered espresso and dessert because it felt like a celebratory thing to do. I didn't used to be much of a dessert eater--I wonder whether desserts just don't taste as good when you're drinking--but I found myself enjoying the coffee and dessert as much as the main courses. And after dinner each night, we went for a long walk, enjoying the warm weather and clear nights.

I know none of  this sounds exciting. But the trip wasn't about excitement. I wanted a break for a few days--just eat, read, walk, and bike--and that's exactly what we did. On the last evening, when we went for a long walk along the ocean, I felt like an old world I'd forgotten was coming back to me. I don't know when I started drinking too much, but walking at night used to be one of my great pleasures, and it was glorious to reclaim it. I was trying to think what we would have been doing if I were drinking, and maybe much of it would have been the same, but I would have been fuzzier, less able to enjoy those lovely moments.

While we were there, I told two old friends I'd quit drinking for good. One I'd talked to in December, when I'd quit for a few months and then started again, so she was a bit surprised, but very curious. I explained that I felt a lot better not drinking, and that I preferred being sober. But then when we talked more, I realized I'd either misrepresented myself or she'd misinterpreted, because she was saying it was interesting that I had started to feel "the pull" of being sober more than "the pull" of drinking. That didn't sound quite right to me--it made it seem like I was just longing to be sober, or that it had all been easy of unconflicted or something, so I tried to be more clear: I had been drinking too much, and it wasn't good for me, and it was hard to quit but I did and I felt better and I was glad I had done it. She wondered what was better, and that's kind of hard to explain: I said I liked being more clear, feeling more and being in the world more, though I admitted that was also the hard part. Then she wanted to know whether I missed that feeling you get when you drink just the right amount of wine, when you feel relaxed and creative (and she went on about that feeling for a while, but I won't go on about it here) and I realized, and said, that I really don't miss it, because I didn't really have it much lately. Eventually it had been too fleeting, that moment when I'd had enough to drink, and it had come at too high a cost to me. She's an old and very dear friend, and it was helpful to talk this all through with someone I know so well. After a bit we went back to the main group conversation, but not before she hugged me and said she was very proud of me. I'm surprised how much that meant to me.

The other conversation was on the phone with another old friend, when we were trying to figure out where to meet. A pub seemed the best option, but I didn't want it to be awkward once we arrived and I ordered soda water. (We have enjoyed many long conversations over much wine and beer over the years.) He just said, "Good for you. I do that once in a while but I never manage it for very long," or something like that. We had a brief, amusing conversation about drinking versus not, and then, next day at the pub, it turned out he'd forgotten about it for a moment. There was nothing awkward, just good friends enjoying each other's company, some drinking, some not.

It's starting to feel normal, this not drinking. I do all the same things, but they don't involve alcohol. It seems to me I feel more feelings and see colours more brightly. I'm so much more present moment to moment. Just looking at the green of the new leaves blows me away sometimes. It's like that. And it's all a lot harder sometimes, too, I guess because so many things are more intense and that can be exhausting. But you know what? I'll take it, harder or not, and when I'm exhausted, that's OK. Everyone gets tired sometimes. Then you just rest, and you feel better. It's just normal.

That's me this week. No big insights or crises, just lots of outdoors and old friends and enjoying the good life, sober. Hooray for that!

If you're still reading, many thanks. I appreciate your company. Peace and joy to you. I hope you're enjoying some good, normal, sober life, too!

15 comments:

  1. Your vacation doesn't sound boring at all...it sounds like heaven. I love the way you describe the lingering over meals, up to and including dessert and coffee. And a walk afterward. What a lovely time for you. So glad you enjoyed it! Vacations are supposed to be nurturing for the soul, and it sounds like yours did exactly that.

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    1. Thanks, Rebecca. Nurture me was exactly what it did. I love all that lingering and walking. And eating--lots of eating! xo

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  2. It doesn't sound boring at all - it sounds heavenly! I love this post. Hooray for you. And also for your friends for being kind and supportive. Lilly x

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    1. Thanks, Lilly. I was so pleased with my friends' reactions. I'd never have guessed my friends would be so great, though of course they always have been, so it's a mystery why I'd expect anything else from them! Thank sfor visiting, and sorry I'm so slow with my response this time! xo

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  3. I'm with Rebecca and Lilly, I don't think it sounds boring at all, but wonderful! I love night time walks, when even familiar places can seem so different and magical. It was good to read this - I've yet to go on holiday sober and I know when it happens I'll get all anxious about it. Hard to shift that being on holiday = drinking attitude, but this post reminds me what it's all about. Really. Enjoying the good life, sober. Just fab :)

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    1. Thanks, MTM. Turns out holidays without booze are way, way better than those with. I was slow to learn that one, but I"m sure glad I know it now. xo

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  4. Sounds like a glorious holiday to me too! I'm totally with you on the "wine with food" revelation too. When I stopped drinking, I was especially forlorn about the prospect of not having wine with food, particularly in a nice restaurant. To my absolute delight, I've discovered that good food without wine is even better. I have been wondering if the wine and food pairing hype isn't just a marketing crock to get us to drink more... honestly, I think food tastes far better without the confusion of wine tastes in our mouths. That might be heresy, but I'm a believer! And the other upside is that I've always got the budget and appetite for a dessert at the end of the meal. So yes, I'll take a good meal with a glass of bubbly water in a nice glass any day.

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    1. Thanks, Sue. Yes, it actually was glorious. The wine and food thing is so odd, isn't it? The pairing thing might help wine sales but it sure doesn't make the food taste better. (And budget + appetite for dessert is lovely!) Cheers for sparkling water, and learning that it's better anyway1 xo

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  5. I've been wondering what nice alternatives there are in restaurants. In pubs I either drink a pint of lime and soda or a diet coke or I have them tip two bottles of Becks Blue into a pint glass so I can drink beer without the red face and fuzzy head. It doesn't bother me that others have alcohol, but I like hanging out in places where I don't have to cook and other people are doing the entertaining. My daughter constantly asks to go to the pub, which she is convinced is about a climbing frame and chips with ketchup. Sometimes we both have lime and soda or lemonade together, it's nice, I don't like that whole "that's a grown-up drink" thing, it worries me that she'll associate alcohol with being "grown-up". Anyway, what is there apart from a wine list or bottled water? I went to one place that did gorgeous elderflower cordial, in a big glass with ice and fruit in it. I'm hoping to find more things like that. I think wine probably does ruin the restaurant experience, especially if you're inclined to drink enough to dull the taste sensation. I've had heaps of meals that I barely remember or couldn't enjoy because I was really too drunk.

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    1. Hi KT. I'm not sure about nice alternative drinks in restaurants. All the mocktails I tried are too sweet for me, so the sparkling water with lime works well, or just sparkling water. But I'm still looking. I've read about some places that do non-alcohol drink pairings with food, and I'd love to try something like that. I'm with you on lots of fine wine pairings that I don't recall all that well. it's nice not to be doing that any more. If you find some tasty AF drink alternatives, let me know what they are! xo

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  6. This sounds so nice. Like truly living a sober life. I have never enjoyed wine during meals because I don't really like the taste of ANY alcoholic beverage that much (gasp!!!!!) and would prefer to just eat or just drink. When I was drinking I didn't like to interrupt it with food, even though I love food. Now I can enjoy it that much more. So nice to hear that you are well and happy and living a good life. xx

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    1. Thanks, Jen. You're right, it's starting to feel like true sober life. And how lovely it is! Thanks for your kind words. I'm glad you're well, too! xo

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  7. Brilliant! There is a life after booze believe me. Concentrate on recovery and watch the miracles happen. I am sober over twenty years now and I could not do it without A.A. The first step says 'We admitted that we were powerless over alcohol ; that our lives had become unmanageable. Which tells me I can't do this on my own. Good Luck with your recovery.

    Check out this recovery blog also loads of helpful recovery stuff: Please pass it on to anyone who may find it helpful.

    http:/www.essentialsofrecovery.com

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  8. Brilliant! Checking our impulses shouldn't be a lonely burden. We should spread the weight with the help from our friends, from support structures and social activity. Treading on the right path of course, but still keeping watch. :)

    Scott McKinney @ Midwest Institute For Addiction

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