Saturday 14 March 2015

Real life, real sober! (And some real graffiti!)

Still here, still finding my way. I was away at a conference and busy with school, but I see it's been a month since I posted. It's so unlike me, this silence!

Recently I had written about going to meetings. I think the program is great, and I see the benefit of it. But, for now anyway, it's not for me. I tried for a month, and honestly, though I had some moments of feeling connected with people across the room, I mainly felt alienated and isolated. Now I know, I know, I may be bringing that on myself. But I am me, and I don't think I can just become someone else to make something work out for me. I am a big fan of trying on new perspectives to see if I can take up new ways of thinking and being. But I have a strong sense of when it feels more like fakery than a new way of thinking, and that's how I was feeling with the meetings.

There are a few things behind this, I think. Nearly everyone there spoke about how they came to a meeting out of sheer desperation. And I don't feel that these days. It's as if I missed my window there, when I could just be open and desperate and maybe connection would flow. People who came in looking desperate seemed to have people flock to them. But that's not my situation these days. Many people at the meetings seemed to know and like each other, so there was warmth and hugs and hilarity shared among them. Others, like me, came in and sat and left with almost no interaction. But what I didn't see was how to cross that chasm-- how to get from being isolated to being included. The last meeting I went to, I had made a deal with myself that I would talk to someone there, and I did. But it wasn't welcomed, and the person turned back to someone else right away after I introduced myself, obviously wanting to talk to someone she knew already and not a new person. It was a bit like high school for me, in the worst kind of way. I hear stories of warmth and acceptance and I know they exist. But that wasn't my experience.

I don't know. After a while, I was feeling more like an ethnographer than I was like a person. That's not fair to the other people in the room (who are people in their own right, not interesting specimens) but it's also not fair to me, because it removes me too much from my own experience. I've had enough alienation in my life, ad I don't intend to court more of it. Also, I had that classic thing people talk about, feeling like I am not as bad off as the people who told their stories, and I am therefore some kind of impostor. I know, the point is I'm supposed to focus on the similarities and not the differences. And I did. But I can't check my critical thinking at the door, and I can't help but see that there are many differences as well as many similarities. It's not that I think I'm a better person because my situation is different than others. But the "not yet" argument doesn't help me, either. I know things could have gone differently for me. They could yet. I have met many people who suffer(ed) from many different kinds of addiction and abuse and homelessness. I think it might do a disservice to me and to them to say that we are dealing with essentially the same problem. I may be wrong about this. But it's where I am these days.

Also, at meetings, the stories were often told in a way that was designed to entertain the audience. As you know if you're reading here, I resist the impulse to frame my thinking in an entertaining narrative. I could go on about lots of dramatic things that have happened to me, and link them to my drinking, but I'm not sure they're all related, to be honest. I think many people get a lot out of stories that talk about how bad things were. Frankly, I never read them, and I avoid telling them. And I don't want to start, either.

But there's another thing too, and I want to say that clearly for myself if for no one else. I have been very much supported by the blog world--in writing and reading and participating in ongoing exchanges with people I have come to admire and care about deeply, all online. And that's real life, too. I wonder whether I have been deprecating that a little in my (admittedly small) attempt to find an in-person community. Yes, I need real people. My (truly wonderful) partner has been with me in this since the beginning, and he gets this addiction/alcoholism thing as much as anyone can, though it's not a problem he deals with himself. I've also told a few friends and my sister, and they have been supportive and helpful. I get that you have to give it up a bit to get people onside, so I have told some people how things were for me, and why I quit, and how it's worked. But I've done that sparingly. I don't want to be defined by it, any more than I wanted to be defined by other problems I've faced in my past.

This morning, on another blog, I saw a comment that said something like, "Blogs are nice but they don't keep you sober." I appreciate that the comment was made in a different context, and I didn't want to weigh in with my opinion in a place that it would not be appropriate. Just the same, here on my own blog, I want to respectfully disagree with that sentiment. Blogs are more than "nice." By fully participating in this blog world, I have got sober and stayed sober for 14 months and counting. Part of this success may be that I'm highly imaginative, so I have no trouble thinking of the people who blog as real people, just as I often think of book characters as real people. Part is luck, maybe. Part of it is being analytical. I look at what has worked for people and try those things, and I look at what doesn't work and note those. I see that different things work for different people, so I try things out and see what works and keep on with those practices, and I keep trying to find new ways of thinking and doing. I really do think this getting and staying sober isn't something I could have done or could do alone. But I also really don't think I am alone here when I'm online. You're all here too, sometimes reading and commenting, sometimes writing other posts that resonate with me or linking to something I've said that opens up new ways of thinking and being for you and for me, too. I love that. So maybe this post is just to stand my ground here and say, actually, blogs are real life too, and yes, they can get you sober and keep you sober. They might not work for everyone, and of course it makes sense to keep trying new things to see what works. But they can and do work. I am sitting here in my living room wearing a stripey shirt and jeans and blue woolie slippers, sipping tea and typing. Today I went to the farmers' market and the butcher shop, and later I will do a whole lot of reading for school, and then go for a long walk. I guarantee you, I am real. And I am sure if you're reading, you're real, too. (Unless you're a clickbot. If so, hello clickbot! Welcome!)

That said, I really am trying to find ways of being with people, so I'm trying a few other things. I have joined with some people in starting an academic reading group, and that's another whole new way of learning to listen to people and listen to currents in the room. So far that's been going well, though it's a challenge. Also, after having declaimed against meditation, I signed up for a zen training class, as I see that might be a way for me to practice deep listening in a different context. I'm up for trying things. But I wanted to write this to make the point, for myself, and for anyone else it might help, that what I'm doing is actually working, and it does seem to work for some people. Not for everyone. None of us is everyone. But we are all someone.

In the spirit of keeping it real, I thought I'd share a real life picture I took yesterday, evidence of other real folk out there. Looks like some badass sober tagger has been hitting the streets! This made me smile:


Peace and love to you all, bloggers and readers and meeting-goers and everyone else. And you, too, you lovely sober taggers! Thanks for reading, and thanks for being here.

18 comments:

  1. I think there is no right or wrong way to do this! Just whatever works for you!

    Zen class sounds great! I did reiki training today and will go back tomorrow. I love learning new things. Especially these off shoot things. It is igniting part of me I have always quiet.

    Don't worry about what other people think. You aren't them.
    And I agree! Bloggers do seem real to me to. Some are, as I have met some in real life.
    And you have family support, which is also fantastic.

    You are doing it! Plus, meeting will always be there if you change you mind some day. That's allowed too. Lol

    Anne

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for the lovely comment, Anne. Yes, I'm doing fine here. And I'm looking forward to the zen class. Learning new things really is marvellous. xo

      Delete
  2. Dear Thirsty,
    14 months is awesome!
    I'm Real!!!
    Blogging and other bloggers have helped me so much!
    I believe that everyone must find what works best for them.
    Your classes sound fun!
    Learning is fun, I think. But then I was a teacher!
    Hugs,
    Wendy

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, Wendy.Yes, you sure are real! Finding what works is a process, and we're all doing that. Thanks for your cheery inspiration! xo

      Delete
  3. Meetings are nice, and I went for awhile. They really helped, though I felt apart at some and definitely more connected at other ones. I liked the small meetings best. And like you, I disagree that meetings are necessary to stay sober. Blogging and online support work just as well for some. For others, it may not be enough. We have to know what works for us, what helps us feel supported and fulfilled and working towards recovery and away from a relapse. In the beginning, I had no idea so I went to meetings and listened and learned. Other people I deeply respect never went to a meeting and are just as sober as the rest of us. Whatever works.

    Congratulations on your 14 months! That's truly wonderful.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Kristen, I hope I didn't mean to sounds like I thought meetings are a bad idea. I had just really wanted them to suit me, and I was really super disappointed about how lonely they made me feel, and then I felt like I was the one who was all wrong and I had to write this out to make it make sense to me. I know they do help people, and I think people should try them. In any case, yes, I am continuing trying what works for me. Whatever works indeed! Thanks for commenting. And thanks for your congrats. My 14 month mark slipped by, but it really is something to should about here! Hope you''re well with your new endeavours! xo

      Delete
  4. Thanks for this post and all of your other posts too. We've not met in person but reading your blog and those of others does give me a human "shared stories" connection to my sobriety too. I'm at almost two years already, big congratulation on 14 months, I hope you had cake! ! I knew I needed a medically supervised detox and went the way of a rehab in-patient 8 day program, it saved my life. I had attended AA and I wanted what they had in terms of sobriety but never really "clicked" with anybody there other than in a social way, but that's ok. It is a great program, I'll go back if I need to but by and large, it's not for me. I have found a much more supoprtive group right amongst my long time friends, they all know I don't drink by choice but that I am also very comfortable with them enjoying when we are together. When I was first trying to get sober I joined "Women for Sobriety", an online chat and it was a huge benefit and support system for me then and I still check in every now and then. I'd already had a longtime tai chi practice and have recently started yoga and now go to a gym to keep my 60 yr old body working for a while longer. I really am finding that the label of alchoholic fits but so does lesbian, old, woman, thinker, lover, cook, gym rat, handyperson, neighbor, friend...they are each part of the sum of the whole and I'll hope to never be defined by just one of the many aspects of who I am. By becoming sober we are able to become who we are in our entirety and continue to explore aspects and possibilities that we never would have considered before. Aren't we the lucky ones? Keep writing and blogging, you offer food for thought and you're very good at it! Thanks!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Laur. Thanks so much for your warm and supportive comment! So many real people here! How fantastic is that?! Your experience is interesting, and I think for every person we could talk to we could hear a slightly different version of what works. But yes, the main thing is that there are things that do work, and here we are sober and living and figuring it out! I can't say enough how grateful I am for that, and how much I appreciate the fine company I've found along the way. Like you, I don't mind the label either. I think there can be a real freedom in calling oneself "alcoholic," as long as that's opening a door to a new way of being rather than closing the door on being a full person. It works for me, though I'm sympathetic to people who take an opposing view on that. Thanks for reading and commenting, and for lending your thoughtful support. xo

      Delete
  5. Hi!!! It's real live me writing to real live you :)

    Blogging kept and keeps me sober- big time. I don't enjoy meetings either. I feel a huge connection to my fellow blogging friends, just as much of a connection as if we were sitting in a circle in the same room. It is just as important and just as lovely- to me. Something I have realized as I've come further in my own sobriety is this: there is no one way. Even my own one way changes every day. It gets my goat when people act like we aren't "really" sober because we don't go to meetings, or do the whole AA thing. I call bullshit.

    It's like this: When I was thirteen I took horseback riding classes. We would make some progress, then a new person would join the class, and so we would go back to the beginning so they could catch up. Then they would catch up, and we might make a little more progress, then another new person would join and back to basics again. I got really good at walking, trotting, and cantering- but I never got to gallop. I never got to jump.

    Again, for me, I feel like I am not the kind of person who needs to hear beginnings over and over to remember where I came from- why I don't drink. I know. I remember. What I need is more people to show me how to keep living sober. I am consistently reliably sober and I am ready to gallop. :)

    You are a huge important part of my sobriety. Our words weave us together. Thank you. xxxooo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hello to the very real and lovely Amy! Nice to see you here. I love your horseback story, and that helps me understand what I was saying a bit better than I had so far. I also don't need to go back and remind myself why I don't drink--I really am done with that. But how to live? That's what I'm working at now, and it's where I am looking for guidance and models. And that's what I find here online. Many thanks to you for helping me figure this out. Our words weave us together--that is a truly wonderful idea. And so true. All this talking, we become part of each other, just as we would if we were talking while hanging out the wash or having a coffee. Still, I think one day we will walk some rustic trail together and char in person, and that will be a fine thing too. In the meantime, we gallop on! Thanks for being here. xoxo

      Delete
  6. congrats on 14 months!! Real me sends real you not-so-real-but-still-very-lovely virtual hugs! xxx

    ReplyDelete
  7. Thanks, Mrs D! It's always lovely to see you here. And yes, you're about as real as real gets. Virtual hugs feel pretty darn real too, come to think of it! xo

    ReplyDelete
  8. Reading blogs reminds me that there are many paths, some bumpier than others, but that other people really do turn their lives around. That provides hope in the darkest moments and I really feel the human contact, the sense of belonging. Sometimes I've been badly hurt by the fantasy of getting to know someone when really truly I do not, but still that connection is important to me, as is the anonymity of being able to talk about this in public but feel it's private too. This part of my life is difficult and dirty and I don't want it to define me either. I guess I don't want to be visible. I don't even want to be heard I don't think, I still haven't managed to attend an online meeting let alone a face to face one.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi KT, Thanks for your comment. Human contact is so important, but yes, the possibility of getting hurt is always there, and I'm pretty sensitive too. I've had the same thing early on, getting the sense I knew someone only to feel like a number on a list. But contact with people who are facing the same thing can be so helpful, despite all that, and since them I've made some deep connections with people, too. Good luck finding your way. xo

      Delete
  9. ack - just wrote a vast comment which the internet has swallowed! and after I was saying such nice things about it, too :)

    the gist of the comment was in relation to your remarks about the reality of the sober blogging community. I quoted Seth Godin, who says that in the same way we live in a post-industrial age, modern communications mean that we also live in a
    post-geography age. we are no longer divided by distance...

    in a newspaper article I was reading yesterday, Sir Nigel Shadbolt, who is professor of artificial intelligence at Southampton University, was talking about the 'social machines' that arise when computers, data and humans interact on the Web - eg Wikipedia. he says:

    'Social machines are fascinating. They allow communities to identify and solve their own problems. They work on the premise that nobody knows everything, but everybody knows something. Because the web has brought us together, it has helped enhance our collective and individual human intelligence.'

    I would expand this to say 'our intellectual and emotional intelligence'. because I have expanded both by my interactions online, and you're definitely a part of that, so thank you! xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Prim. Thanks for both lovely comments, including the one you fed to the ever-hungry maw of Blogger. I don't know how I managed to miss replying to you earlier--I must have read this on my phone, which I shouldn't do because then I forget to come back and reply. But no matter. I like what you say about social machines and post-industrial communication. One thing I've been thinking about is that people who are less accepting of the very real possibilities of online communication are sometimes the people who already had plenty of channels open in their lives for communication. For me, that hasn't been the case when it comes to quitting drinking and then being sober. And I agree with you, I have expanded my own social and emotional intelligence by blogging and participating in the blogging community. I am a better listener, and I have learned a lot about respectful disagreement. Big thanks to you for being here, too! xo

      Delete
  10. This is "real me" checking in with "real you." Hope all is well.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hello real you! How lovely to hear from you. I've been wondering how you're doing as well. I'm OK here. Still sober and happy with that, and still not quite sure what I do in this next stage of keeping myself that way. I guess I haven't posted in a while, but it's end of semester, which gets silly in terms of how busy it is. Ack! I hope things are well with you, too. Let me know. Take care, and thanks so much for checking in. xo

      Delete