Today it's exactly 21 weeks since I gave up trying to make drinking work for me and returned to being sober, which really is a better way for me to live. As I mentioned last time, I've started cleaning up my diet and I'm getting more regular exercise again, and that's working well, too. I'm feeling pretty good overall, and I'm mostly happy and hopeful. To me, that's pretty good for the depths of February!
Right now it's the middle of interview season for the next stage of my grad school work. Tomorrow, I fly out to a distant American city that I've never visited (and that I won't name for now), where I will spend a few days meeting faculty and students, being interviewed to see if I'm a good fit for the program while I interview them to see if the program is a good fit for me. This stuff is nerve-wracking! Whatever happens will shape the next several years of my life. Our lives, I should say, since my husband will also be moving with me if I'm accepted to a place that works for me. I have a few of these interviews happening over a few weeks--some in person, some via Skype--so it may be a while before I know what's going to happen. It's scary, but we're both up for the adventure!
Maybe it's obvious, maybe not, but I will say it anyway: I don't see how I could have done this while I was drinking. I was sober most of the year before I applied to grad school and again for most of the time I've attended, with the exception of a few dark months last summer. I have more time than I would if I were guzzling wine every night, and my mind is more clear. (It's not altogether clear all the time, but I'm working on that with my diet and exercise changes. I may have to accept that the meno is coming and there might be fog rolling in sometimes along with that!) But one big thing that's better sober is that I am more honestly confident in myself. Drinking I had waves of confidence and waves of supreme despair, and it's not that those have all completely been smoothed over. I can still be up and down at times. But these days I feel better equipped to cope with the big stresses and uncertainties that come with making a big change. I am taking myself seriously enough to try to shape my life to do what I want to do with my life, even in ways that sometimes look like a bit of a long shot. I'm pretty darn pleased about that.
Going into this weekend, I know it's possible that things won't work out for me. I'll do my best and be my most engaged and interested self. (More accurately, I'll be the best version of me that doesn't swear liberally, which only takes the teensiest bit of extra effort!) Whatever happens, I'm taking a neat trip and I'll meet some interesting people, and I'll get to see some cool life possibilities. Hooray for that!
Thanks for reading along here and keeping me company. Wishing you peace and joy, and adventure if that's your thing!