Sunday 1 May 2016

Round 3, Day 228: A little bit lost

When I first realized I needed to get sober, it didn't start out as me thinking I needed to quit drinking. I knew I drank too much, and I knew I'd need to "cut down on the drinking." (Quick side note: cutting back wasn't the answer for me, but I gave it a few good runs, and now no one would be able to convince me that it's an option.)

The bigger problem was a deep sense that I didn't know how to know what I felt. This is something I've written about on the blog here and there, and in some short fiction I've written as well. It's sometimes an obsession. I find myself easily swamped by the world, and when I am swamped, I don't know how to separate my own voice from the voice of the world.

There's plenty of advice kicking around about this, except I don't find much of it all that helpful. People will say, "Listen to your inner voice," or "Don't give in to social pressure," as though it were clear to them which voices were the voices of others and which were their own. Maybe it is clear to them. It's not clear to me though. Sometimes I think my inner voice is a ventriloquist. I have read an enormous amount of fiction and memoir over the years, and I have an easy time imagining myself into the heart of a character. Recently, I was talking to an advisor about the direction I am taking (or not taking) with my academic work, and he said that I should only follow such and such a path if I "could absolutely not imagine doing anything else in the world." That doesn't help me much. I can imagine just about anything! That's the root of the problem. I can picture me in many possible lives. I just don't know how to know which one is the one I want to do. Not being able to imagine otherwise just sounds dim to me.

When I started to get sober, I quickly thought that getting the drink out of the way would address this issue. I figured if I didn't drink anymore, all the ability to feel and connect and know would somehow bubble up naturally. That's a sweet idea. But it doesn't seem to work that way for me.

For me, this is really the pressing issue. I guess I have been somewhat depressed lately. I felt some blessed relief when I withdrew from the various "shake up my life" academic applications. I'm not setting my husband and me up to move cities, countries, careers, or at least not in the next few months. OK. But I don't know what I am doing either.

Being as uncertain as this leaves me swinging wildly between raging doubt and brief, temporary certainties about various possible paths. It's hard to even write about, as I can just hear the platitudes about taking things one day at a time, and they make me want to scream! If I am going to continue with school, I have to find a way to do it--some combination of a program, a supervisor, or an institution that will support my study. That's a long term plan that involves a series of steps, not just a single day focus. Long term planning requires a kind of muscular vision, an ability to see at least the thread of a possible path, along with the flexibility to take the better step along that path when that step is available. And having a vision is something I can do, but it all seems so wildly speculative, and it falls back to nothing so easily. Even if I were not going to continue with school, I'd need to find my way in the working world, and all the same things would be needed there.

Somehow I see that, to get through this, I need a better sense of who I am and what I want. And I'm not sure how to get it. I'm middle aged, I'm reasonably smart and sociable and I've done lots of interesting things in my life. But in some important ways, I feel like a blank slate. Sure, not 100% blank. There are some things I'm sure I like, and some I don't. I despise the taste of turnip. I'm scared of barking dogs. I'm easily startled. Sometimes I get rattled in noisy, chaotic environments, but I worked in one for eight years and often thrived in it. I love the buzz of the city, and fast-paced, witty conversation. I also love sitting alone reading, and getting away from the buzzy city. I remember the glaring certainty of hating the taste of turnip as a two-year-old, spitting it across the kitchen table form my seat in the high-chair, and I remember quickly learning, with a different certainty, that spitting out food you don't like wasn't what people did. But most things aren't that certain. And I'm not two anymore.

I have no answers today, and not much comfort to offer myself or anyone. At between 7 and 8 months sober, I don't feel I have much sense of myself and what I want in the world. The giant blank of it all frightens me. But this is where I am right now. I'm not at all tempted to drink, but the problems that the drink covered up are more glaring. And the escape drink provided is lost to me for good. I guess I wanted to write this because writing sometimes brings me closer to a real knowing. Maybe in time I'll know more. For now though, I'm just a little bit lost.

Thanks for keeping me company in this somewhat bleak post. Wishing you peace and joy, and some knowing.

22 comments:

  1. I don't have the answer or the petty platitudes but I think that somehow in the short term you just have to accept how you are feeling rather than trying to think your way out. As an academic I am sure you think and use your brain all the time, which in that circumstance would be correct. Not so much for this set of issues though. It sound like you have just gotten over a very busy and challenging period (on top of remaining sober) and maybe now you just need to regroup, accept you are in a funk and reflect that sometime soon the next right step will become clear. Check out Off-Dry's post, it is along a slightly similar vein. I wish you well and some peace to just accept this is where you are and how you feel. Hope that wasn't too "one day at a time" like.

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    1. Thanks, GG. I appreciate your good wishes. But you know, I do accept that I'm feeling lowish. I just can't see how I can solve the problem of what I do next without doing some thinking, and it seems that the problem and the feeling low are related. I did read Off-Dry's post, and I agree that it's lovely. But it doesn't at all help me with this. Sorry if I sound churlish. I just don't see how accepting gets me anywhere, as I need to make a decision not accept al already-given situation. I hope things are good with you! xo

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  2. Hi Thirsty!
    Boy, I have been a bit depressed too.
    In fact I thought of you as I slipped into a book, and never wanted to come back out.
    But I had to.
    Even after all these years of teaching I keep asking myself, what is my purpose in life?
    People just think I am nuts. (Well, mostly my hubs.)
    I understand 100% about seeing yourself in many different lives.
    Well, I don't have words of wisdom.
    And I am here keeping you company!
    xo
    Wendy

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    1. Hi Wendy. Sorry you're feeling a bit low, too. Wanting to never crawl out of the book kind of nails the feeling I'm talking about. And oh, the purpose in life thing, yes! I think I may have read too many existentialists when I was young, and I still sound like a mopey teenager when I feel down as a result. If you figure out that purpose, please do let me know. Many thanks for the company. xo

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  3. I hear you Thirsty! (Hello...inner voice, are you there?! Nope, mine's playing dumb too, or hide and seek or is just plain hidden up.) So no words of wisdom from me this evening, my excuse is it's late and my brain's squishy. I just wanted to let you know you're never alone - and that for what it's worth, I reckon you'll find your way. x

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    1. Hi SG. I wouldn't wish it on you but it's almost a comfort to know that others have trouble with the "inner voice" thing. Argh! Thanks for the moral support. Much appreciated. xo

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  4. You know, I still struggle with knowing what I am feeling. I am inclined to feel less, if that makes sense. I choose simple over complicated, I enjoy little things. I don't make huge waves.
    I also never understood the follow your passion, etc. I never imagined myself a yoga teacher, yet here I am teaching.
    I never expected to write a book, but I did.

    I don't have any huge inspiration motivating me. I'm just living day to day.

    Aomehow that's where I find my stillness and peace.

    I used to think I missed my calling, that I should have been famous or important. But now I am happy I can help people find a bit of mental peace at yoga or encourage someone to hold on to sobriety online. Those small things matter too.

    Anne

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    1. Hi Anne. It sounds like you're finding your way quite well! I think that's all the following your passion is. Surely you are passionate about the yoga you do. It sounds like you are when you talk about it, anyway. I feel really pleased for you that you're doing things you like and that matter to you, like the yoga and the book.

      One of the struggles in talking about what I'm worrying about here is that I'm not looking to be important or famous, and I really don't want it to sound that way. I just want to be doing things that are interesting, and I want/need to make a living. And, fortunately or not, I am going to have to take some action toward finding my way to those things. Small things matter, for sure. But I don't think it's wrong to want to figure out what to do with the school I've done. I've been desperately poor in my life, and I've done work that doesn't suit me at all, and I really am just trying to find my way in life in a way that avoids those pits, and I don't know what it is yet. If you're already in a job and a place in life, day to day makes sense, but I'm less sure how it works when there are huge decisions that need to me made, and by me. I hope this doesn't sound like I'm rejecting your experience. I'm not. I just want to be clear that I'm not looking for some grand inspiration. I just don't want to be quite this lost, and I'm not sure what to do to find my way when I don't always know how to register my own likes and preferences. Anyway, thanks for being here. I do appreciate the moral support. xo

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    2. Yes. I understand. I have that side settled. I have worked as an engineer for 20 years. I am financial,y secure, and am happy to work for 10 more until I retire. So that's not on my mind.
      I see what you mean. You still have major decisions to make. I know things will work out for you.

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  5. I've certainly experienced a sense of paralysis at various points in sobriety when I couldn't see my way forward. like the doldrums of Coleridge's Ancient Mariner:

    'Day after day, day after day
    We stuck, nor breath nor motion;
    As idle as a painted ship
    Upon a painted ocean.'

    in case it is of any help to you, my default recourse nowadays when stuck is as follows:

    (a) to write about it
    (b) to reach out to others who may have information and/or ideas not available to me - or who at least can distract me from the funkiness
    (c) to sit it out and try not to over-think it (easier said than done, for me!)

    sending you love and maybe whistling up a wind for you?! huge hugs xxx

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    1. Hi Prim! Yes, stuck is right. What an icky place to be. I'd forgotten that you've written about going through similar patches, so thanks for the reminder. Your plan of action is super helpful. I think writing about it is key. And mapping out the possibilities, on paper rather than in an endless loop in my mind. After writing yesterday I decided that having a plan to do that, and work on it a little every day, will probably be what helps me. In fact, I just sent one of those scary, "Request for conversation" emails to someone who I think might be able to help me think this through. The reaching out is key, and I find it tougher than I'd expect. But even just admitting to being stuck and sad has been helpful. Thanks for your support and hugs and that wind that might just be coming! xo

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  6. Hi there,
    I'm not sure if it will help, but I read Elizabeth Gilbert's "Big Magic" over the weekend, and she said one thing that help her when she was trying to find her creative path and feeling blocked, was to ask herself..."what am I curious about? Right now?"....I think the same as Anne, asking yourself 'what is my passion?" is the wring question, because until you've tried something, how do you know? I've been hung up on this too, thinking that if I "find my passion" then my whole life will fall into place. But that's the same as thinking that everything will be fine if I lose 10lbs. Or even, "everything will be better if I quit drinking". Everything IS better, but it doesn't give us all the answers. Hope this rambling helps xxx

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    1. Thanks, Jackie. Actually, that was amazingly helpful. Following my own curiosity is, I think, going to be my way out of this morass. The fact that I"m curious about so many things sometimes seems like an impediment, but I think I'm starting to find a way that I can work with it. I'm just heading away for a few days, so maybe I'll read the Eglizabeth Gilbert book. Really appreciate your support! xo

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  7. I think what you have just described is what made drinking so appealing to me. Drinking feels like inspiration. I could imagine all kinds of great projects while drinking. It was like liquid inspiration and courage. It stopped my second-guessing and overcame my inhibitions. For a few hours, anyway. Most of all, it gave me communion. It made me feel connected with whomever I was with, and with the whole world. It seemed to make connections within my mind, like when you get really caught up with writing. It took the place of trying to authentically connect with other people, with the divine. Finding this outside of the bottle has not been easy. I am about to meditate in an attempt to do just that. Just know that you are not alone. Your words reach out across the world and connected deeply with me. ; )

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    1. Oh yes, it's absolutely why drinking was so appealing! I wrote about that a few weeks ago. Being able to shut out the noise for a while was something I relied on, and not being able to do it is tricky to manage. But drinking really did get in the way of connection, in a way that you put so very well. I think this is all just usual growing pains that I'm going through. That and some big-decision angst. Thanks for your kind words. Hearing that we're really connected when we talk online is such an important reminder to me, as I do fall into the sense of being so alone here. I hope you find your way to making more connections, too. Please keep in touch! xo

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  8. I thought that when I stopped drinking, I would feel so much better. But I don't, not all the time anyway. All my problems are still there. In fact, they are even more obvious because I can't hide them behind alcohol. That is why drinking can be so appealing. I don't feel a sense of myself or what I want in this world either. I hope that will come with time. A x

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    1. Hi Angie. Yes, the problems don't disappear but we see them better and maybe have the ability to deal with them better, and that's something, isn't it? I find it a bit disturbing, this realization that I'm not sure who I am in some important ways. But I know that writing about it is an important start. Thanks for your comment. interesting to know you feel much the same. xo

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  9. I don't have much sober experience, but I am here if you need me. Annie x

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    1. Thanks, Annie. I hope your week is going well! I very much appreciate the moral support. xo

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  10. Your post reminds me of something that my dad always said throughout our lives..."I am (insert age) years old and I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up...the world is my oyster." Do you need to decide now what you want to do with school? I'm sure you thought that drinking got in the way of answering that question, but maybe, just maybe, that is just where you are at. Maybe you can turn it around and see the possibilities and excitement of not knowing? Finding your way in all that you do and don't do! Maybe something will pop up when you least expect it! And, because you are not drinking you will be able to recognize it and embrace it! (I know I sound like a Pollyanna, but I kind of feel excited for you. You are lucky to have the world at your feet...sober!)xo

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    1. Thanks for your encouraging comment! Yes, I am starting to see the possibilities. I am at a kind of crossroads, as I am finishing up a degree, and either continuing with further study or stepping aside from that is a big commitment. I do need to decide something. But I'm making some headway with this, and I'll write about that soon. Really appreciate your good wishes! xo

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