Monday 16 May 2016

Round 3, Day 243: Finding my way back to joy

I quit drinking (again) eight months ago today. This is my third major stint of sober time, and I'm starting to realize how much I've changed.

Recently I wrote that I have realized I've been going through a bit of a depression lately. I have a lot of uncertainty about what I'm doing with my academic work, which means a lot of my life has been uncertain, as it meant I didn't know where I'd be living or what I'd be doing a year from now. It felt like my whole life was up in the air, and that's a pretty unsettling place to be.

Somehow, over the past year or so, I’ve lost the joy in what I’m studying. When I returned to school a few years ago, it was such fun to encounter so many new ideas! I earned a degree and am most of the way through another, and I’ve learned a lot. But without actively sharing what I’ve learned, something essential is missing. In my area (and  probably in a lot of academic work) learning is such a solitary exercise. I always have spent a lot of time alone, reading and writing, and I love that. But I also need to interact with people. I realized that I don't want to do work that means I'm mostly alone in an office, struggling with something that I can't quite connect to any real person or worthwhile purpose.

This has been the central struggle for me over the past year. Surprisingly, no one I've spoken to in my academic life seems to have understood me on this, which may just be that I haven't expressed it all that well. But more recently, I've been reading stories of people who have left the academic world--people who quit their PhD programs before they completed them, people who finished and then worked outside academia, and people who worked as tenured faculty but left to work in what academics sometimes call "the real world." Many of their stories resonated with me. I see that, for now at least, leaving is for me. I'll finish my thesis and get my MA. But I'm already withdrawing from many things that are not directly connected with that project, and I won't continue on with the PhD as I'd planned. It's just not for me right now.

Part of what's happening here is that I am starting to have a better sense of who I am. A lot of what I have been experiencing as alienation over the past year is, I now see, a great thing! (Though if you'd told me that last September, I'd have bit your head off!) I don't have a clear direction yet regarding what I will do. But clearing a lot of this out of the way has helped me gain clarity on what I might want, and on what I definitely don't want.

I know enough about how depression works in me. I go into a kind of system shutdown, a deep winter of the soul. I become unable to do things that are not good for me. And if I accept that, and wait and watch carefully, and force nothing, I know I will find the tendrils that connect me back to joy again. This isn’t a quick process. I’ve learned to trust myself on this. I’m not generally patient. But there is no other way. I know that if I don’t do this, things so very badly indeed. 

That's where I've been lately, following those tendrils. Spending lots of time alone, doing whatever I want, which is often a whole lot of nothing. I've been reading a lot of mysteries, and running sometimes, and doing a few hikes. Lot's of cooking-- the spring vegetables are starting to show up at the farmers markets, and there's so much that's fresh and green right now! And the rhubarb is out, so there's that tart sweet pleasure to enjoy. I've been working library shifts, which is one of the ways I earn enough to go to school, and it's a way of being in the thick of people in the right sort of way. (Spoiler alert: I'm actually applying to train as a librarian, which seems like such a better fit for me and how I want to live. I won't hear for a month or so whether I'm accepted, and I won't start until January, but it's a tentative plan that has a lot of joy and hope and openness in it, and I'm very pleased with that.)  I've been doing enough of the academic work to keep things ticking, but not a whole lot. I've been hanging out with my lovely husband, walking and eating and going to some great concerts. 

All of that is starting to feel pretty good. There really is a lot of joy here in my life, right now. 

What does this have to do with being sober? Well, everything, I think. For me, the first two times  I quit drinking, I didn't feel a need to reevaluate everything in my life. But sooner or later, the tensions in my life pulled me back to the drink. (No need to get into too much detail here, but I will say that the busyness and stress and alienation of my academic work was part of that.) Now I am committed to not drinking. It has no appeal anymore, and if it ever did bring me fun and connection and some of what I'd longed for, that had stopped working for me ages ago anyway. And along with living without alcohol, I'm committed to finding a way to live that suits the person I am. Some of what I find seems obvious (after 14 years of working in libraries, I find I like libraries!) But it wasn't obvious to me earlier. This process of becoming more myself is a slow one, and it's not so easy, but I'm liking it. I think a lot of the pain and angst that I have felt (and that I've inflicted on people kind enough to read along here) has been the result of me not fitting too well in my life and not being able to see that. People talk about laying down the big burden that they don't need to carry anymore. That's exactly what this all feels like to me. 

So that's me these days. I'm still a little low, but I also have a lot of moments of hope and joy, and that's what always gets me through these low spells. And I have a new appreciation for who I am, which means making some major life changes and avoiding others. I feel like I'm figuring this out, and I'm so very glad to be sober and finding my way.

Thanks as always for your company and support. Peace and joy to you, and a good dollop of hope, too!

19 comments:

  1. I love your blog. It's very soul searching. It's what I need to do, I know, when I get more days behind me. Right now it's just focusing on not drinking wine....down the road it needs to be re-inventing me and learning to deal with who I am those moments before I would allow wine to blur the image. I look forward to diving into your old posts.

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    1. Thanks so much, HD! It's good to hear that my soul searching is worth reading. I worry about being self-absorbed here, but like most of us, I need to use this as a space to sort things out and sounding like an angsty teenager is part of that I guess. You're right about leaving all that for a while, though. In the early days of being sober, focusing on not drinking is enough to do, that's for sure. Thanks for the moral support! xo

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  2. Congratulations on your sobriety. Those bits of joy for me make all the dark days tolerable. It's a joy I never knew drinking or drugging. I'd like to add your blog to my site so new blog posts will show there. I hope that's OK with you. I write at www.markgoodson.com and would love to stay connected.

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    1. Hi Mark. Thanks for visiting! Sure, feel free to add me to your blog. And yes, I agree, being sober helps clear the way to finding joy. I'll come visit you to see what you're saying over there, too! Take care xo

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  3. Hi Thirsty, I love you you really delve into yourself and work on figuring out who you are and how you want to live your life. I need to do this too but I have a long way to go. You seem to be figuring it out as you go and each blog post you have new answers. I find your posts really helpful and they make me look at myself. I might have a long way to go but one thing I know already is that being sober is so much better!

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    1. Thanks, Angie. I think it's just that i go a little crazy sometimes, and I know that's led me back to drinking before so this time around I am doing what long-time sober people advise and digging deeper. I think it's necessary for me now, whereas before I simply couldn't have done it. I sure agree about being sober being better! xo

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  4. I love libraries, too!
    I even just paid my fine of $3.00.
    The librarians were laughing!
    I know the stress of teaching, lesson plans, and many hours working pushed my drinking up a lot!
    It's uncanny that your description of depression sounds so much like mine!
    Yikes!
    Here is a hug from your American friend!!
    That would be me!
    xo
    Wendy

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    1. Hi Wendy! Yes, it's interesting that you and I have such a similar makeup. Years ago, when I was going through a very dark patch, a psychiatrist told me I was the most optimistic depressed person he'd ever met. Ha! Being sober definitely helps. And I'm starting to see that setting up a life that has less stress and more joy is important, too. Really appreciate that hug! xo

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  5. such an interesting post, thank you. I love your description of the 'tendrils of joy' - I visualise them as green delicate shoots breaking through the most impenetrable dark ground.

    your passion for communicating what you have learnt is clear in how you write here, so I am convinced that you will find work that enables you to do so rewarding and stimulating. that connection is so important, isn't it?

    hugs and roasted rhubarb with stem ginger from me! you've inspired me to make a pudding :) xx

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    1. Thanks, Prim! I think I'll find it, too. Yes, the connection is so important to me. It's taken me a while to see that it may not be there in the academic world, and it's not what drives the people I know there, either. People are so wonderfully surprising! Thanks for the moral support, and the hugs and the roasted rhubarb! I'm going to have to look up a recipe for that now, too. xo

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  6. Thank you for this post. I am beginning my sobriety, and it helps so much to read your experience.

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    1. Thanks for your comment. I'm so glad what I say might help you even a little bit. Good for you for beginning the sober journey. It's a tough road but is so absolutely 100% worth it! xo

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  7. Your post makes me excited! I think it is exciting to find your path. Your sobriety seems to have helped you figure out what is and isn't working for you. You are giving yourself another chance! That is what I find exciting! I hope that one day I too can get to that point. Maybe you needed those two other stints of sobriety and relapse to get you to this place. I am so happy to have found your blog! (Plus, you write very well! I can actually visualize the empty office, the farmers market and the library!) xo

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    1. Thanks so much for this lovely comment. It's especially gratifying to get a writing compliment! I do feel I'm finding my path here, and it is exciting. Really appreciate the moral support! xo

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  8. Thank you for this! I'm at day 143 and while many things have improved for me-I'm just not feeling like I'm in a fantastic place. I'm not missing alcohol but I'm missing something... Trying to be patient

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    1. Patience is definitely what's needed! I think the healing and renewal metaphors are helpful here because the growth is slow after leaving the drink behind and waiting to see what happens is so important. I find it tough, too! Thanks for visiting! xo

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  9. I think that is a beautiful way to approach life decision. Slowly and gently.
    Keep doing. I know the pull of depression can make it tiring. But I think it helps to see the glimmers of joy.

    Anne

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    1. Thanks, Anne. I'm working on it. And I trust the glimmers, so that's progress! I can't express how much your support and example have helped me figure out how I might do this. Many thanks. xo

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