Saturday 11 January 2014

Round 2, Day 5

I just did something I'd been planning to do for a while: I read my old blog posts. And though I shouldn't be, I'm surprised by how happy I was when I wasn't drinking. I also saw how, once I got to be  lot busier with the semester--it was an especially busy semester for me--I stopped paying attention to why I wasn't drinking. So after the 100 days were up and I felt good, I genuinely forgot how bad I felt when I was drinking a lot, and how much better not drinking was.

I guess that's how this drinking thing works. Walk away and you can see the horror of it, but as soon as you're back in it, it's all coming up roses again, or the roses are all you can see, no matter what misery they're hiding.

The other night I was talking to my partner about this. I know he doesn't really get the not being able to stop after a couple of drinks thing. He's always hugely supportive of me, but never critical. Still, I had somehow invented the idea that he wasn't behind this new not-drinking routine I'm on, and I really wanted him to understand. The best I could say was that it was like being one person with two minds, and the two have trouble communicating. It's confusing, because it's hard to know what you think when you think two thoughts that are in exact opposition to each other. I think it must be confusing for him too, sometimes. How do you know who you're talking to: the sensible person who is only going to have a glass of wine, or the persuasive person who is convinced that draining the rose along with the red and maybe having a couple of large shots of brandy is the thing to do? He doesn't have the same problem. But he's seen me be baffled by my own actions enough times that he absolutely supports what I'm doing.

Of course, some of this thinking isn't new. But because I'm realizing things all over again, it seems worth writing again, just in case I need to remind myself again, as I likely will. At the same time, it's not quite like starting from scratch. This time I have all that recent experience behind me, so I know what I'm able to do: just don't drink. And if I use that experience well, I know what minefields to look out for.

In that vein, I've made a few decisions to take better care of myself in the coming few months. One is, I lightened my course-load a little. It's still going to be busy, but I have some breathing room. Another is, I've been reading fiction, and I'm going to keep that going. It's one of my great pleasures, and it's something that gets set aside when school starts. This semester, I'm going to keep reading novels and short stories. Not so much that I ignore school, obviously, but enough that I have an occasional break and enjoy the reading. And the third thing is, I'm going to keep paying attention to this process of stepping away from the drink. Last summer and fall, it helped when I did that. When I didn't, I lost some important perspective on what I was doing and why. I'm not sure what the process involves. Blogging, sure, and reading blogs. I've read some great books (reviews coming soon!) Mainly it's a whole lot of things that are all really one thing, paying attention. If I do that, honestly look at what I'm doing, how I'm feeling, all that uncomfortable stuff, I will know what to do next.

And if I don't know all of what I need to do, I already know one thing: I need to keep on not drinking. It really is better for me. Clear thinking, reading at night, tea and rain and real conversation in the evenings, solid sleep, money not spent on booze: those are just a few of the good things I'm tallying up every day. I'm grateful for all that all over again.

So that's how I'm doing. It's pretty good, all told. If you've read this far, many thanks. I hope you're doing well, too. Peace.

10 comments:

  1. I can see how the more simplistic black and white approach could seem easier: Wine = Evil, it will never cross my lips again, etc. And, like you, I can't do that. Why not? I guess it seems like giving too much power to a 'thing'- that is a pervasive part of our society. If we lived in a society where alcohol was illegal, that would be easier, for I won't break the law and put my license at risk. But we don't. So we have to try for ourselves. I am so grateful that you are writing about your experiences, and I will be similarly honest about mine. I am committed to no-alcohol for the remaining 25 days of my original 100 days, and I have further committed to a full 180 days total- but I am pondering whether to have wine on one evening between finishing the 100 and starting the remaining 80. Ah, well, I needn't decide today.

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    1. Thanks, Carrie. Yes, the simpler answers have some appeal but I do usually have to work things out for myself. At this point, I don't know if I will ever drink again. I'm thinking not, but I know my thinking sways and loops around on that one. No decisions on that required today. One thing I'm learning though, alcohol sure does have a lot of power. Drinking changes what I think and how I think. It's tough to admit that, but it sure is true. Powerful stuff indeed.

      I think trying to be a structured, moderating drinker requires grit determination, and some clear planning. For me the problem is that, as soon as I started drinking every now and then, I didn't care about the plan anymore. For you, having that structure in place--another stretch of committed time not drinking--seems like it might help a lot. I'm all for you figuring it out for yourself. In the meantime, yes, not spending the next 25 days deciding seems like a good plan for you.

      Thanks so much for your comment. I'm glad you're doing so well!

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  2. I sometimes think....maybe? Maybe I can? And then I get back to reality. Truthfully drinking again scares the shit out of me- what if I lose this nice life I've got because I can't stop again? It's kind of like how I give myself permission to eat as much as I want, whatever I want. Then on a whim I stepped on a scale and bang! 15 pounds. Damn reality.

    I feel better when I eat right. When I don't give myself permission to have chocolate and cookies after dinner- after I've already eaten all the Treasure Hunt snack mix that afternoon, again. But mashing those parts together cookies(drinks) + chocolate (more drinks) = chunky (hungover) and miserable and: what really needs to happen + doing it = contentment is so damn hard. I'm reading a book again called "It Starts With Food" and a lot of what they say about eating makes sense about drinking too. The two minds thing makes total sense to me.

    I really wonder why we are all so attached to something that is in reality kind of meh. Like, how do intelligent women cling to the idea that drinking somehow might be OK?

    Glad you've lightened your load and that you're exploring. And that you have a supportive partner. I like to read what you're thinking. :)

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    1. Thanks, Amy. I'm so grateful to have you in my corner! The food and alcohol things are so similar in so many ways, aren't they? And while I have had an easier time with doing better on the food front, I now forget that I didn't eat wheat or sugar for more than a year, and I'm still quite sparing with them. Over Christmas, someone brought a can of some kind of hazelnut-chocolate-biscuit cylinders to work, and I swear I ate most of the tin in two days. The whole time, I thought, "This is what I do when I drink. I should not eat this cookie." And then I would go into the back room, get another cookie, and scarf it down. It was a good reminder that while I can have the occasional, very small, good quality sweet treat, those manufactured sugar-crack concoctions are off limits for me.

      And yes, why are we so drawn to this stuff that's so bad for us, and that's not even all that good at the time?

      Good luck with your ongoing self-care. And thanks so much for your support. xo

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  3. Thanks for this post. This was great for me to read today because I'm much in the same place.

    "So after the 100 days were up and I felt good, I genuinely forgot how bad I felt when I was drinking a lot, and how much better not drinking was."

    Yep, this is what got me this time and has before. You go awhile, you feel good, you forget how bad it felt... It's been weird for me, the recent drinking, because it hasn't been "that" bad but it also hasn't been that good. It's not actually that fun. And, like you, rereading old journals today reminded me just how bad it can make me feel and conversely how good I can feel sober.

    The other things I was thinking about today is that when it comes to giving up an addictive substance that isn't good for us there's never going to be an easier, better time than right now.

    I'm really happy to see you back on track and sounding happy about it. You don't need to worry about whether you'll ever, ever drink again - though personally for me I think committing to that might actually prove easier ultimately in a way - but you're doing what feels right and good for you now, so great!

    Lilly x

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    1. Lilly, thanks for your comment. Like you, I suffer a recurring case of feeling like I've been "no that bad," and I'm trying to reframe that thinking. I really like what you said in your recent post about choosing the positive. I was doing well not drinking, and I think it's better to focus on that than it is to get caught in the minutiae of how bad things really are/were/could be. I really appreciate your support, and I'm glad you're doing well these days, too. xo

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  4. Thank you for your posts. They are helpful. I am struggling as well. Do you have an email sign-up?

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    1. Thank you for your comment! This kind of writing can feel self-indulgent, so I can't tell you how pleased I am that I might be helping someone.

      I think I added an "email signup" widget and a "follow" widget. I don't quite know how they work, but you could try one or the other and see if t does. If not, please let me know and I promise I will make it work. Please keep in touch, keep reading and talking to people about this. It's the back and forth with real people that helps me, and I hope will help you, too. Peace and strength to you in the struggle.

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  5. Hi! I just read your blog for the first time. I found your blog through you commenting on mine. We sound very similar. I have abstained in the past. The last was over 200 days and then I convinced myself that I was fine and everything would be OK if I drank. Slowly, over about 8 months, it just crept up on my again. Saturday binges - Sunday-Wednesday feeling crappy. I am on day 14 this time and I agree - I absolutely feel better without alcohol too

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    1. Oh yes, you posted that great image. I liked it a lot. And yes, we do sound very much the same. I think the time away from the drink gives a new perspective on what it's actually like to feel crappy so much of the time. I just added you to my blog list so I'll see all your posts. Let's keep in touch and be part of each other's moral support crew. Thanks so much for your comment!

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