Saturday, 9 May 2015

A tough few weeks but still happily sober at 16 months!

The past few weeks have been tough ones, and the one thing I keep thinking is this: I'm so glad I'm not drinking anymore.

A few weeks ago, my partner was in a very bad accident. He is going to be OK, so I can write about it now, though this is my blog not his so I don't want to get into his personal info or his story. But there was some scary hospital stuff and major surgery and long waits to see how things would go, and every time I thought I was handling things OK a doctor would tell me some terrifying thing that had just been ruled out or that there was still some risk of. I spent most of a week at the hospital during the days, and I think the only thing that saved me was walking back and forth to transit stops and coffee shops on the way back and forth to the hospital. There's something about walking that keeps things real, and keeping some grip on the real world was very hard to do in the middle of all that.

A couple of days before he was released, I was running around one evening after I left the hospital trying to get in place some of what we would need to get him set up at home, and I became fixated on getting ice cream. He is on a blender diet for a month or so, and I decided that having ice cream in the house was absolutely critical. I had to go to a different grocery because my usual one was closed, and on the way I walked past the liquor store I used to frequent, which was, of course, open. Now, to say I wasn't tempted to drink would be a massive understatement. As I passed the store, all I could think was that if this had happened two years ago, I would have been drinking wine every night after coming from the hospital, and I would have been in no shape to do what I had to do, whether that was help make decisions or offer emotional support or or get the apartment ready for my partner's convalescence or just take care of myself. Two years ago, I would have used wine to "get me through it." Now that seemed so bizarre to me, and I was incredibly grateful that I am sober and present in my life and able to deal with this difficult stuff for my partner and for myself.

I didn't want to turn the accident into a pat silver lining story. It isn't one. It's just a terrible thing. But terrible things happen sometimes, and we live through them. And I'm not saying I'm all that great for coping. I'm just doing what I have to do, what we all do when there's coping to be done. But I am super 100% get-down-on-my-knees-and-pray thankful that I am sober while all this is going on. And I know my partner will recover from this a whole lot better with me being present and helpful, rather than being in any of the drunk/hungover/emotional-nightmare states that used to be what I called normal life.

I'm hoping to get back to my schoolwork this week because I really need to do that. By now we're ticking along OK here, and I'm learning lots of ways to make interesting and healthy soups and stews that might still taste like something after a whirr in the high-speed blender. (Today's special: potato-leek-bacon in pork stock with a little cream and tarragon. Yum!) This week I passed a sober milestone--16 months sober! Hooray for that!  So that's where I am these days: there's plenty of soup and love and healing, and that's getting me through. That and gratitude for being sober and being alive.

Peace and love to you all. Be well.

18 comments:

  1. So sorry to hear about your partners accident but congratulations on staying sober and present through the whole ordeal! Why did we think a drink would make it all go away or better? All it ever did was make everything harder to deal with.

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    1. Thanks for your kind words. I know, why we ever thought drinking would help seems such a mystery now, doesn't it? I"m glad you're here on the sonber road with us! xo

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  2. I am so sorry to hear about your partner's accident, and I know what you mean about how grateful you are for being sober for it. I felt that way so much (and still do) during this whole time of my health being weird and up in the air: thank god I am sober. Thank god I am not a hungover mess. Thank god I can feel how hard it is and know how grateful and strong I am. It feels so good to feel capable doesn't it?

    Soup! I have a great recipe for soup! Here it is:

    http://theclothesmakethegirl.com/2012/11/05/silky-gingered-zucchini-soup/

    I eat it for breakfast too. :)

    Go visit me at the lake- I'm there waving hello and giving you a heartfelt hug. Much love xxxooo

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    1. Thanks, Amy. Yes, I'm with you, sober is the way through and thanks god we found our way here. Thanks for the soup recipe! I bought some zucchini at the farmers' market this morning so I will make it in a few days. Looks yummy! And I'm a big fan of vegetables for breakfast. Oh, and we sat at that lake yesterday so you got a big hello from me and now I feel the hug, too. Hope you're doing well. xo

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  3. oh my gracious me I am so sorry to hear of your partner's accident.... I'd popped into the blog occasionally to see whether WP had unfollowed you and now I wish I'd left the equivalent of a post-it on your door to let you know I'd called...

    thank heavens indeed for sobriety in dark days. I think you will process these days better and recover from them emotionally more quickly as a result. healing takes many forms.

    am jumping on Amy's bandwagon and sending you a soup recipe!

    http://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/2089/spiced-carrot-and-lentil-soup

    I replace the milk and some of the stock with a tin of coconut milk. EVERYTHING is better with coconut milk.

    lots of love and best wishes for a speedy return to health. and a YAY for 16 months! Prim xx

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    1. Thanks, Prim. Imaginary sticky notes gratefully accepted! Thanks for wondering where I was and for your kind words and also this amazing looking soup recipe. So many yummy soups now! I will make it and report back, and yes, I will use coconut milk because it does look like would work with it and I take your word on that. And you're right on the healing. I think we're both doing a lot of that here, and oh what a mess that would have been with the drink mixed in. I have managed to talk nicely to myself and calm the panics enough that they seem to have abated to my normal anxiety levels, and even those are nothing like what I used to think of as normal. How amazing, all of us here coping with life and supporting each other, and the booze recognized as the trouble it is and duly banished. There's such loveliness in the world, and I'm glad to be reminded of that. xo

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  4. I admire your strength and self awareness.
    Being sober and present give us a string foundation to deal with life's unexpected curveballs.
    I hope your partner is improving. I expect he is more grateful to you than you can imagine.

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  5. So many times over the last five years I've about how I used to cope with adversity and then thought, "OMG - how in the world did I ever make it through that drinking?!" It just boggles my mind!

    So happy that your partner is going to be okay - it's scary when life throws us a curve.

    Take care of you too,
    Sherry

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  6. Dear TS,
    I am very sorry to hear about your partner. Your post reminds me to never take life for granted. I made sure I gave my hubby a wonderful greeting when he came home. And a kiss!
    I am very glad to hear about your 16 months sober!!
    When I read about how you made it, I know I can too.
    I sure can't give any food advice, that's for sure!
    I am wishing your partner a full recovery.
    xo
    Wendy

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    1. Thanks, Wendy. I'm glad your husband got a kiss out of it anyway! Hope you're well. xo

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  7. Hey there, TS. So sorry to hear about the awful time that you and your partner have been going through, but glad that you are coping so well with it. I hope that he's on the mend. Good luck with all soup :) Thinking of you and sending you lots of love. xxx

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    1. MTM! I haven't heard a peep out of you in a while. Thanks for your comment. All good here. Hope you're doing well, too! xo

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  8. Hi. Congratulations on 16 months sober …. and on your ongoing recognition of how sobriety continues to strengthen you. I always love your blog and am grateful when you stop by mine. Hugs. --eew

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    1. Thanks, eew! Big hug to you, too. xo

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  9. Oh no! I am sending you and your partner all sorts of love and light as you go through this. It's no easy task being a primary caregiver and decision maker. I'm happy you are sober too as you go through it. I'll be praying for you both. *BIG hugs*

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    1. Thanks, Rebecca. Never too late for sending good thoughts! And things are going well here. Hugs gratefully accepted! xo

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