Monday, 18 May 2015

Not so sure.

Sometimes I'm not so sure about the whole sober gig. I'm glad I stopped drinking a while back, and I'm glad I have figured out how to not rely on drinking to get me through things. I needed that, and I still need it. But I get suspicious of the recovery world. It just seems rife with the kind of perfectionism that I'm not sure is helpful, a kind of endless self-improvement project that I don't quite trust and can't buy into. Or maybe it's not perfectionism, but the sense that there is a narrow range of how we can be in order to be OK. Whatever it is, I'm not so sure it's for me.

Every now and then I do a whole batch of reading about moderate drinking. You may know the resources. You may read them, too. When I do, I don't talk about it here, as the word "moderate" seems to call up a heated debate, although the positions are pretty clearly marked out in advance, so not much is gained in the argument. But some people do seem to find a way to drink occasionally, and no, those are not people who keep writing sober blogs, since it's kind of de facto in the sober blog world that sober means abstinent. Another school of thought argues that sober means "not intoxicated" and that doesn't mean absolute abstinence. I'm getting curious about that version of sober.

So I'm writing here to say I'm reading this sort of thing these days, and I'm thinking about it. I don't want a warning, or ominous talk about wolves or witches.  And I'm not trying to start a debate. I just want to say I'm reading this stuff, and thinking about it. I might drink again to see how it goes. After more than a year away, and with some good support to help me figure this out for myself (which I have) it might be fine. If it isn't, I'll stop again. If it is, I'll be pleased with that.

This sort of thing upsets lots of people, so this post is a kind of fair warning. Please don't read my blog if this is going to bother you. I'm doing this to find my own way, and writing about what I think is part of my way. About every third post I talk about refusing to edit my posts to fit with some idea of a recovery world that I didn't sign on for. But I do get it: reading someone who has stopped drinking thinking about drinking again can be hard if you're using sober blogs as sober support. So I won't take it badly even if you all go away and I'm left back where I started, writing for myself. Promise!

That's about all I have to say on this for now. All is well here. It's a sunny day in May, the first shorts day for me, and life feels good. Whether you're sticking around for a while or you're leaving, keep well.


21 comments:

  1. Your journey is your journey full stop. Nothing more to say except I'm not going anywhere and happy shorts day!! Love me xx

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    1. Thanks, Mrs D! You're a great support and a star, as always! xo

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  2. Laaaaaady! I am so interested in your journey and you're a spectacular writer, so I'll still be reading. I'm completely with you on the whole perfectionist/self-improvement thing. It's like (at least for me), OK, now that I've stopped drinking, what *else* is wrong with me that I can fix? I think that's a symptom of some larger fish I have to fry, and for me, drinking got in the way of that frying ;)

    That being said, I adore your honesty and your writing style, so even if you weren't a "sober blogger" I'd still be reading. Because I read things that interest me :)

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    1. Thanks, Rebecca! I really do appreciate you being here. xo

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  3. I'm interested in your journey too and not going anywhere.

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  4. No matter what you decide - I'll be following your journey. I love your honesty and your approach is always refreshing.

    If I were making this decision, part of my reading would be to all of my old blog posts. I would need to relive that through my posts before I made a final decision.

    Good luck and don't stop writing.

    Sherry

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    1. STRIKE THAT LAST COMMENT. That looks too much like advice (which it wasn't meant to be) so just delete it.

      I'll be reading and supporting you no matter what!

      Sherry

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    2. Thanks, Sherry! Your advice is fine and it's most welcome. Looking at what I've written is helpful, as is writing what I'm reading and thinking about these days. I appreciate your comments and your support. xo

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  5. i wish you joy and happiness, whatever that takes.

    Sobriety has shown me the absolute limitless life I can have. I don't see how alcohol could improve it in any way. But maybe I am missing something and your journey will help me with mine.
    Anne

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    1. Thanks for kind wishes, Anne. I don't think you're missing anything. I might be, though, and that's what I'm going to try and figure out. I will keep you posted. Glad you're doing so well! xo

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  6. Dear Thirsty Still,
    As I just found you not long ago, I will keep reading!
    I think you are being so honest!
    I hope you keep writing!
    xo
    Wendy

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    1. Thanks, Wendy! I'm glad you found me (and I you) and I always love your enthusiasm. I'll keep writing, no worries! xo

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  7. Hey there, TS… I am not finding much time for reading sober blogs these days, but just wanted to say that I do love your writing and always find your posts so thought provoking and interesting, when I do catch up! I will try to follow along if I can, and wish you well :) xx

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    1. Thanks, MTM. Lovely to see a little bit of you these days but being too busy to look at blogs is a fine thing for you, I hope. I do appreciate your kind words. xo

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  8. well, I'm planning on keeping reading you as long as you keep on writing... integrity and honesty can be addictive too, you know ;)

    have had some moderation thoughts intermittently myself.... hope OK if I share here?

    my thinking - and all of these statements are prefaced with an overarching 'FOR ME' and I could write that into every sentence but it would be duller reading but please mentally insert into any of the following sentences...

    FOR ME, then - any behaviour is serving a purpose. so if I am feeling drawn to drinking in moderation, I ask myself what purpose would that behaviour be serving?

    and for me the answer is overwhelmingly 'as a social lubricant'. because for all other purposes - the three horsemen of the booze apocalypse - relaxation, escape and reward - in Mrs D's words, I have found other ways that work better.

    but the social lubricant bit is one I still struggle with, sometimes. because other people's choices and attitudes are not in my remit. and it would be socially much simpler to have a glass of wine at some occasions. I don't. sometimes that is a tricky bump to get over, and it creates chasms in my valued connections with other human beings. I deal with it, sometimes in a more zen self awareness manner, sometimes by going to the 'well fuck the lot of you' place in my head. not giving a fuck is a powerful place of last resort, FOR ME. I have more work to do on my own boundaries in this area, I am well aware!

    very much not wanting to do anything here than tell you I have also debated, and still sometimes do, whether moderation would be possible or desirable for me, and some of the thoughts I've had about that. will be interested to hear your thoughts and wish you a safe onward journey on whatever path is right for YOU - in your shorts :) much love, Prim xxx

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    1. Hello Prim! Yes, of course, you are allowed to talk about such things here. That's the whole point of these blogs as far as I'm concerned. And you're onto much of what I'm thinking. It's partly certain social occasions that I think I might enjoy differently with a glass of wine, and for reasons you describe. For me (and yes, it's always "for me" when I write here too but it would be dead dull to write that all the time) there's also a sense of not wanting to feel restricted. I don't want to drink much--certainly not what I would have thought of as "moderate" a while back. But I am unsure that the addiction story is as straightforward as is is often shown to be. In any case, today I'm 500 days sober, a nice roundish number, and for the past few days despite multiple public social occasions (unusual for me in itself, that) I haven't found an occasion at which I would like to have that wine. I'm still reading and thinking about how to do it, because I really am being careful here, but I will be back with details when I have details. Thanks for your thoughtful comment and your kind words. Much love to you, too. xo

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  9. It was a really interesting post lovely and clearly one we all ponder at some stage in our journey.

    I'll be interested to see how you feel all the way through this journey of yours and it is yours, you write so beautifully so I for one am still right here too, sorry I don't comment much!

    Hugs, love and light. xx

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    1. Hello, Wee Lass, and thanks! I'm very pleased to know you're here. Hugs and love and light to you, too. xo

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    1. Thanks. I hope you're doing well these days! xo

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