Sometimes I wish I weren't such a mess of complications.
Last week I had a few days of really (really really really a lot!!!) wanting to drink. I didn't drink, though. So that's the short version of this post.
Instead, I rode my bike, had coffee and tiramisu, and bought the perfect pair of summer walking sandals. Later I raged and cried and said--out loud, to my partner--that it wasn't fair, I didn't want to be an alcoholic or an addict or whatever the hell I called it, and if I was one I wasn't even really good at it because I'd never had big dramatic consequences because of drinking and now I don't have big dramatic life changes and maybe I'm just too self-absorbed and need to get over myself and get over all this sober bullshit. And I said I probably would have gone out and bought wine but I knew that I would not just drink a glass or so and sooner or later I would have too much too often and feel like crap and it just wouldn't work for me but dammit I just don't know what to do about it all. And then after a while I washed my face and pressed a cold cloth to my swollen red eyes, and I did the dishes because what a relief to do something practical after all that raging and crying. And then we had a cup of herbal tea and went to bed.
After a couple of days, I felt a bit better. Sort of. Saturday night after work, I rode my bike past the wine store and was amazed that I used to always stop for a bottle of rosé on the way home. I didn't want to do that anymore. I didn't see the appeal of spending the money and drinking too much and heading to work the next day with a headache and not enough sleep. But then the next day I had a headache anyway and a dull mind and I felt hungover, and I wondered what was so great about not having wine if I was already going to feel awful the next day.
The thing is, I don't really want wine anymore. But I don't know what it is I do want.
Sometimes I love reading all about how people feel better after getting sober, or looking at what they do to help themselves. But so much of it grates on me, and I just can't do a lot of the things these smart people seem able to do. I don't want to be told that I need to blow my ego to smithereens, because years ago I scraped myself back from a long depressive space and I had to build me an ego in order to cope with the world, and I have to pay attention somehow to what I feel and think, not just steamroller over that in taking up some collective wisdom, and trying to pay attention to that is what I mean by ego and I know it's no good for me to squash that down, despite the supposedly wise words of the addiction experts and meditation experts.
There are no answers.
Last week I read Drunk Mom by Jowita Bydlowska. It's a good book. Bydlowska writes well, and I was brought into the whole spiral of drinking along with her. I admire her honesty, because she's part of the stuffy Toronto lit scene that wonders (out loud in printed book reviews in national media) whether such personal stories are best hidden, especially when they involve the less than perfect accounts of their own. Having read her story, I love her, and I wish her well. I actually read the book in a sitting, if you can call going to bed early and reading till 2AM a sitting. (A lying?) But afterwards, I thought I probably shouldn't have read it just now. I felt oddly left out. I don't have kids, and I didn't do the awful things she writes so well about having done, and a day or so later, I was left thinking that there are "real addicts" with real problems and my alcoholic-lite problems were too petty to pay any attention to. At the same time, in a class I'm taking, I read about a guy who, after a long spell of keeping sober, drank multiple 40 ounce bottles of whiskey, and again I thought, "I'm not like that. I couldn't do that if I tried." And I don't want anyone to come at me with what the AAers call the "not yets." I haven't done that, and I am reasonably sure I couldn't because I don't have the physical constitution for it. I would simply throw up or fall asleep before getting that far along.
I'm not saying I'm better than these people. It just feels like I'm dealing with a different problem. All I did was spend too much money on wine and drink too much wine and occasionally be a bit embarrassing. Sometimes I did things like hosting a dinner party and leaving at 11 or so to go to sleep because I'd had too much to drink and wanted to lie down, but I've been leaving parties early (or late) my whole life and no one cared and the cops weren't involved and even my partner took a lot of convincing that I really had a problem, and he's seen me through all this. What I'm saying is, sometimes all the information about where people got to with their drinking problems makes me feel like my problems are too small to matter. And then the people who say I would have got there eventually are relying on the accepted wisdom that alcoholism is a progressive brain disease, except that the people who study brains and diseases are far from convinced that this is a helpful way to describe whatever addiction is. If it works for you, it's a good story to tell, but I can't buy into it so there's no comfort in that story for me.
And I don't believe that there is some authentic, pure and lovely me hidden on the inside of all this dross, and that if only I do the right things I will chip away what Ginsberg calls my "skin of grime" and my radiant self will shine through. That's way too romantic for my take on life. I think the drinking person I was is just as much me as this not drinking person, and all this "old self" and "new self" talk seems like just another way of buying into the contemporary therapy culture that tells us to buff and shine up our souls like they are old wood floors that would gleam and even be admired if only we'd do the work. I don't know about all that. I don't trust this self-improvement stuff. It looks shallow. And I do not want to be shallow.
So what's left that's not shallow? Going outside. That's not shallow. Poetry isn't, though for some reason I'm not slowing down to read enough of it these days. (Jesus, please say I have't become one of those people who writes "read more poetry" on a sticky note in the hopes that sticky notes cause behavioural changes. Shoot me now.) OK, back to what's not shallow. Love. Real connection with people. Stories. Food. (Maybe eating good food is hedonistic, but I think it's not shallow, so I'll let that one in.)
The other day I was talking with a professor about some research I'm doing, and I said I love the confusion of doing qualitative research because I don't believe the pat answers that so many people come up with anyway, and other people's certainty just makes me poke holes in their arguments and then I'm left with nothing, but at least when I'm uncertain there's hope that I might learn something. It's a testament to this wonderful woman that she understood what I was saying and said encouraging things to me. Maybe I need to have the same take on this getting sober thing. I'm not planning to go back to drinking, because when I drank, I ended up a bit miserable, and I don't know how to do it any other way. So no drinking for me. But I don't really have any way of understanding what I'm doing that's clear to me. I'm accepting the confusion and inconsistencies of this big mess of stuff that is me, and I guess that's all I've got right now. I wish I could sign on to a program and get on some straight road to the truth and light, but I guess I don't think that's how it's going to go for me.
Maybe I'll just go for a walk instead. It's clouding over, but I think it's still sunny out there.
If you really did plough through all my confusion and ranting here, many thanks. It's a bit of a mess in here these days, but I appreciate your your company just the same. Peace and joy to you, and maybe some for me too.
I like your post.
ReplyDeleteI'm a regular gal who also drank too much wine. Nothing dramatic, except maybe exacerbating my depression and heightening my anxiety to a point I couldn't stand to be around myself. I became a sad, unpleasant drinker, and too much of it was by myself.
I also left many a party early, or could be found "asleep" on the couch while others carried on around me.
I'm finding that I'm more aware and less self depreciating now. Yoga, some antidepressants and no booze have lifted the dark cloud and have allowed me to see the brighter, contented side of life.
Self improvement...hmmm. More like a better awareness of how I am treating myself. It's apparent the booze was not a plus, so it's gone. Chocolate and cookies, they have been added, but more as a celebration.
I also need my ego, but not the one that wants me to be alone and separate. I need self esteem to make good choices that make me feel good. Yoga and meditating have opened these ideas up for me, and the connection in recovery meetings does that too.
I take what works for me and leave the rest behind.
Anne thanks for reading, and for telling your story here. I love the idea of dark clouds lifting, though that's not quite where I am just now. I love the idea of dark clouds lifting. Mine come and go. Awareness is good, I think, except I get a bit twisted in knots about awareness of awareness and then I just want to be, but being isn't all that comfortable. I'm glad to gear that you've found a way of living that's helping you. I think I'll get there, somehow. For today, I was saved by a sunny walk and some yoghurt with honey, so that's OK. Take care. xo
DeleteHi Thirsty, I always read to the very end of your posts, and sometimes I start at the beginning and read all over again. Thank you so much for writing. The whole ego thing has puzzled and annoyed me for years. I truly do not believe any parts of ourselves need to be 'eradicated'... maybe our priorities can be rearranged a bit to help us suffer less. Maybe some habits are destructive and we'd be better off without them -- for me, drinking is one of those habits. But our ego is here for a reason, and we'd be wise to find out what that is, and not treat it as the enemy. I think ego is the part of me that's protective to a fault -- working overtime to predict all the terrible things that are going to happen to me, and keeping me small, quiet, inconspicuous, and more or less out of trouble. It was responsible for my survival as a child -- did an amazing job. And it's still hanging in there working its ass off every day! I'm grateful for that. It's an incredible drive, and a wonder that it hasn't simply worn itself out. But the reality is that I'm not in danger very often these days. And having this tenacious ego working full time is actually quite stressful. So I've been experimenting with imagining the ego taking a few days off, semi-retiring even, its major life's work done. On call, for sure, for when I need my old body-guard back. But off duty for now, relaxing. I don't know if this makes any sense, but it looking at it like this has helped me relax and lose a whole heap of anxiety I've been carrying around for years. Of course the question now is "if the ego's not running the show, what is?" Maybe there's a wiser way, a slower, more compassionate way to function... I think there is. And I think we just need to be quiet and curious to find it. Anyway, enough from me. XXX
ReplyDeleteSue, thanks as always for your kind and thoughtful comments. I like what you say about ego! (When I told my partner the bit about eradicating the ego, he said, "Who's gets to run the show then, Id or Superego?" and that wasn't only funny but a huge relief. So yes, if you take that system as a way of describing how we're structured, then it's good to remember that the ego does a good job, and it has done one. I like the ego's days off idea. I think what I'm going to try is help the ego-like parts of me become more like a grandparent than a parent--you know, retired from the hard work or raising young kids in a tough world, and more able to guide when needed but in a more relaxed kind of way. Once in an art class I sat next to a scary-looking retired senior RCMP officer who was learning colour theory to paint landscapes, and I could see him developing his gentle side, but I just knew he could still be tough as nails when he had to be. So maybe the ego needs semi-retirement, so it can learn to be wiser and slower, quiet and curious. I'm glad to hear what you say, because thinking about it this way does seem like it might be helpful. I'll keep you posted. Lovely to hear from you! xo
DeleteI second Sue in saying how much I relish your discursive posts. they always contain several seeds of thoughts that tick away in my own mind long afterwards.
ReplyDeleteand I did appreciate your comment about writing things on post it notes. because this delving into the big stuff can often come to a grinding halt with an oversimplified life mantra. have you come across Ben Goldacre? one of my heroes. I think the only mantra I would be happy to have on a post-it note would be his one-size-fits-all slogan, "I think you'll find it's a bit more complicated than that." because, generally, it is.
and I am also often sick and tired of introspection. of examining what and why and how. and I think the pursuit of happiness is a different thing from wanting is to be able to live happily inside my own head. and broadly speaking not-drinking makes that easier. so I should keep doing that.
and 'what is not shallow' is a great yardstick. because we are not identikit creatures. we need different things, different paths. balance is another illusion: sometimes the world's most beautiful things are created in the midst of tragedy or despair.
no answers is fine....so glad you are sharing your thoughts on here. xxx
Thanks so much, Primrose. Your post-it mantra note made me laugh! Yes, it is more complicated, and I het a wall when it's boiled down to easy slogans. And again yes to what you say, not drinking makes me able to live a life I enjoy more, so that's reason enough for staying away from it. I'm slowly figuring out how to find other ways to replace the bits I do miss, and I think I'm getting somewhere with that. I'm glad you like the "not shallow" thing. I realized that much of what grids away at me is the stuff I'm somehow "supposed" to think or do that to me just doesn't look like it has any substance. And then it did help me see that I already have so many wonderful things going on and I actually am pretty happy with that sometimes, even if for me happy is a bit more stormy than I expected to be ideal. Thanks for thinking through this stuff with me. I love that there's an ongoing conversation about finding a way to live through this. xo
DeleteAh, the great knowing unknowing knowing. Just like everyone's recovery is different I think everyone's "hit bottom" is different. I hit bottom countless times but the final time was very private- only I knew it. I sometimes feel like if it was more dramatic (jail! DUI! huge life mess!) then my sobriety would be more justified in some way. Like for it to be a "real problem" it has to be a real problem. I think we are one of the most important and unheard from groups: regular ol' women who drank too much, regularly. We are the face of alcoholism- we need to be. It shows that I don't have to be lolling homeless in a gutter holding a bottle in a paper bag to be an alcoholic, or to have a recognizable valid recovery. It means that I kept my shit mostly together and held together a "normal" life when I was falling apart slowly but surely inside. I wish I had had people like you and me to read about and turn to when I started thinking that alcohol was a problem for me. It helps so much just to read your blog and to know that out there in the world there's someone else like me. The strength in that support.
ReplyDeleteYou will learn so much about yourself as your sobriety goes on- I would say don't turn your back on that. If anything double your efforts- for me the stuff I avoid is the stuff that,when I do it, teaches me the most. Every day doesn't have to be this introspective bonanza. Thank god! I don't think we shine our souls so much as shake them out for a good stretch. Plus you have a good understanding of your self- walks make you feel better, and too much looking in is hard. This will sound therapy-ish, but take your time and open your heart. Wonder why you're resistant to some things and then try them without getting mad. Ack! Now I'm giving advice which is totally not allowed! At least in some circles. Thanks for writing- I love reading your thoughts.
xoxo
amy
Amy, thanks so much for your kind words. You made me a little weepy here. I think you might be right about there needing to be more faces and voices that say "alcoholic." I just saw a guy on the street, wobbling to a bench, old and drunk and pretty broken, and when I tried to help him sit down--I worried he was going to fall into traffic--he took my hand and kept on saying "sorry, sorry" and then when I said he didn't need to be sorry he kissed my hand. And I thought, really, that is me in different circumstances, the same as everyone is just a person in different circumstances, and I have some idea what he's going through even if me going through it looked pretty different. Somehow I had to write it out to get it said that I didn't think I was a good enough alcoholic to be allowed to call it that, but of course a day later I see that isn't true, it's the same stuff, just in different people. The poor guy saw me as some sensible woman, all because I did my wobbling and apologizing privately indoors. Anyway. Thanks for getting what I'm saying here. Yes, every bottom and every recovery is different but they're no less real for all that.
ReplyDeleteI am learning lots, and I do plan to keep it that way. I didn't mean to sound down on introspection, but maybe I just don't want to get lost in that either. And yes, the stuff that irks me is sometimes the stuff I see in myself. Control freaks lookout! I can spot that a mile away. But some of what I say I can't do is because it genuinely seems wrong, and I know that pinning my hopes on simple solutions that other people seem to offer always runs the same course for me--first it's filled with hope and promise, and then I'm alienated from myself when I see the falsity of the promise. So I'm trying lots of things, but I am rejecting some of them. And i'm difficult, but I'm still here and I"m sticking around, so that's a good thing.
Anyway, this response is longer than a post! But thanks for being here. And I'm OK if you offer me advice. I'll take it when I can, but I understand the spirit with which it's offered, and that's a fine thing. Thanks for reading and chatting. xo
"The poor guy saw me as some sensible woman, all because I did my wobbling and apologizing privately indoors." I wanted to tell you how much I relate to that whole paragraph. There are so many faces of addiction, but we've all been "taught" that really only one kind of person is an addict- the one you see out in the street. Here there are people at many of the traffic lights holding up signs that say things like "Homeless please help god bless" and my mother gets so angry at them. One day we were in the car together and she started ranting about how "those people are all just drunks and drug addicts" and I was furious! I told her that she was sitting in the car with her own alcoholic daughter and she shouldn't make such a general statement when there are addicts everywhere. By sharing our stories we can make addiction span the population out loud rather than behind closed doors.
ReplyDeleteAh! It's OK to sound down on introspection- that shit wears me out sometimes. Can I just have a thought without wondering what childhood trauma caused me to feel rejected and unloved? Lol.
Dang, my blog just ate my own comment! I'll try again.
DeleteI'm with you on sometimes not wanting to do the introspection. I think trying to figure out how to live is what matters, and for me that does sometimes mean delving into the past a bit. Which I resist, usually.
And yes to your thoughts on categories. I react so badly when people point to "drunks and addicts" as though they were a different sort of creature (often as opposed to "people like you and me") but then I also think that poor guy has worse problems and I don't want to diminish his by saying we're all dealing with the same shit, because he's homeless and poor and he has a lot of worse stuff doing on than just a drink problem, even though the drink might be partly at the root of it. I guess it's another case of taking up the category "alcoholic" but making sure that label doesn't try to tell everyone's story as if we are all exactly the same. I've been thinking about this, and I think I'll write about it. Thanks as always for the ongoing conversation. xo
I love your posts and your thinking-out-loud-ness. I haven't any advice to offer, cos I think you've thought this through at a much deeper level than I have already, plus I have to confess that I am totally unclear on this whole ego business. I do relate to the are-my-problems-big-enough-to-matter question. I read a lot of stories of people who had / have bigger drinking problems than me, and it does leave me wondering, am I making an awful lot of fuss over nothing? I really don't want to bother people with this. At the same time, while I was drinking, I felt awful shame about the amount I was drinking and felt utterly unable to talk to anyone about it or ask for help. I am anything but consistent. As for the authentic self hidden deep inside me... it is very well hidden... for now, I would like to find a little more compassion, for myself and others. xxx
ReplyDeleteThanks, MTM. Sorry I am so slow to reply here. It's a relief that you and others get what I mean about whether my problems are big enough to matter. That's just the thing, it's hard to find the balance of coping and taking them seriously without wallowing, but I think we're getting there. I don't think it's fuss over nothing. I was a miserable boozer at the end of my drinking days, so that's hardly nothing. i think you're right, care and compassion for myself and for others is the way to go. Thanks for your thoughts. I'm so glad you're doing well! xo
DeleteI have just come to your blog, going down the blog-search rabbit hole as I teeter on the edge of making the leap that I know, in my heart, I need to make. I am so pleased to see other people wondering out loud about exactly how messed up you have to be before you get to take your struggle seriously. I am from Australia, from a middle-class family of problem drinkers, alcoholics and drug abusers, all of whom are (mostly) functional, to whom the world would say "it's all good, don't worry, everyone has a vice of some sort..." and soothe their own and our egos so that we can all happily go on numbing our lives away. The thing is, I am a health professional, and I know that I am in trouble because every day I help other people who are struggling with addictions and emotional avoidance, and in their stories I hear my own.
ReplyDeleteI drink to unwind, to shut up my constant rumination and despair. I drink because I LOVE the way that it makes my body feel, but it's not fun anymore. It makes me feel empty and ashamed and weak and although I don't do any spectacular swan dives from grace, it takes me to the basest part of myself. It lures me to lazily turn away from a person who truly loves and values me, to neglect the creative and joyous things that fill up my soul, to choose oblivion over the details of a pretty damn great life.
I want more, I know I am capable of more because I do still have glimpses of myself as an inspired and passionate and alive person. The thing that tells me to take my drinking as a serious problem now is that I realise now that I use it to hobble myself, and it's very destructive at an existential level. I have always been at the top of the pack grades-wise, and I naturally fall into leadership roles. I'm not beautiful but I'm ok, not fat but not thin. I have got all this potential but drinking has become a way that I hold myself back because it scares me to outgrow the people that I am surrounded by.
I agree with you that the "Ego" thing is a puzzle - I would say that it comes down to an honest stock-take of all parts of you, knowing what your values are and focusing on commitment to choosing the helpful option in each moment. I think that AA can be a bit like a cult, in that lots of people feel really comforted by rules and the all-in mentality, because it simplifies things. I think that we are complex, messy, dynamic beings and to me, casting off any part of yourself is a recipe for disaster, because its another form of avoidance. Avoidance is anxiety-causing because you are resisting something, which demands energy. I am going to work on the idea that if I focus on getting better at mindfully experiencing all parts of myself, and not getting caught up in approval or disapproval and the ensuing emotions, then I can eventually offer myself the same loving-kindness that I offer to others.
I guess that if any thing is habitual, automatic, causes shame and prevents you from doing what makes you happy, then its a valid concern. Especially if you have the genetic predisposition, or that you know you are choosing it to self-medicate some hurt parts of yourself.
I needed to find your blog today. Thank you. I am now a little further on my path. xxx
Hello and thanks for reading and commenting. I'm super sorry to be slow in replying. I see you have a blog and will drop over to say a proper hello in a moment. Everything you say makes sense. Inspired, passionate and alive is a great vision of how to live, and it's worth struggling for. I know that, for all my doubts and questions, my life is so much better now that I'm sober. Stick with us, and please keep in touch. (My email is thirsty.still (at) gmail dot com if you need some extra moral support. Feel free to contact me. I usually get back to people way faster than I'm doing here!) Take care. xo
DeleteAwesome. New on this journey and that was amazing.. Thanks.
ReplyDeleteThanks! Good luck on the journey. Wishing you peace and strength. xo
DeleteWow. I have been reading your blog for a few weeks and I am not big on posting myself. Your honesty and authenticity moves me. You put into words the thoughts and feelings that I have too. A good friend who supports my new found sobriety said to me recently that when I have an issue or problem I always " go full steam ahead" to fix it. Is that what I'm doing? Taking this too far? Making this a bigger deal than it is? I don't want to be an alcoholic either. I would love to enjoy a glass or 2 of wine. But somewhere along the way the enjoyment got lost because I wouldn't stop there. No big drama or catastrophe here either but I didn't feel good and each day I lived with a hangover and guilt and shame and the wine at the end of the day was the thing I looked forward to most. Now sober almost 200 days I haven't lost 20 lbs, started an exercise regime, wrote a book, took up yoga, started playing piano or become this fabulous newfound self. I am enjoying going to work feeling better and being able to be more present for my family. I have lost a few lbs am walking again a few days a week. I have a few books and learned that" I am breathing in and now I am breathing out" (thanks Amy for the recommendation) does help me get through some of my daily stress. I think by nature many of us have this ideal that life is " supposed to be ---" and we somehow get caught up that we are not good enough or that we should be doing ...I know I do. Feeling like I gave up the wine so why isn't my life more fabulous? Oh. Stopping drinking is hard but it's not the hardest part. It's living life without drinking. It's this. Thanks for your thoughts. I really do appreciate being able to follow your journey. Denise
ReplyDeleteDee, thanks for your kind words. And congrats to you on 200+ days. Holy, that's amazing!!! I really appreciate what you say about questioning yourself in this. I think it might be something we all do when we know we drank too much and it just didn't work anymore but we didn't have the usual public proofs of having a problem. We're such an objective evidence society that I think we doubt our own experience sometimes. I'm glad you're here and going well and breathing, even without the book/weight loss/yoga practice or whatever great big life change you expected. I'm starting to see that getting sober is a good thing in itself, and not just something to do on the way to another accomplishment. Thanks for helping me see that here. Keep in touch, please! xo
Delete