Today it's exactly 21 weeks since I gave up trying to make drinking work for me and returned to being sober, which really is a better way for me to live. As I mentioned last time, I've started cleaning up my diet and I'm getting more regular exercise again, and that's working well, too. I'm feeling pretty good overall, and I'm mostly happy and hopeful. To me, that's pretty good for the depths of February!
Right now it's the middle of interview season for the next stage of my grad school work. Tomorrow, I fly out to a distant American city that I've never visited (and that I won't name for now), where I will spend a few days meeting faculty and students, being interviewed to see if I'm a good fit for the program while I interview them to see if the program is a good fit for me. This stuff is nerve-wracking! Whatever happens will shape the next several years of my life. Our lives, I should say, since my husband will also be moving with me if I'm accepted to a place that works for me. I have a few of these interviews happening over a few weeks--some in person, some via Skype--so it may be a while before I know what's going to happen. It's scary, but we're both up for the adventure!
Maybe it's obvious, maybe not, but I will say it anyway: I don't see how I could have done this while I was drinking. I was sober most of the year before I applied to grad school and again for most of the time I've attended, with the exception of a few dark months last summer. I have more time than I would if I were guzzling wine every night, and my mind is more clear. (It's not altogether clear all the time, but I'm working on that with my diet and exercise changes. I may have to accept that the meno is coming and there might be fog rolling in sometimes along with that!) But one big thing that's better sober is that I am more honestly confident in myself. Drinking I had waves of confidence and waves of supreme despair, and it's not that those have all completely been smoothed over. I can still be up and down at times. But these days I feel better equipped to cope with the big stresses and uncertainties that come with making a big change. I am taking myself seriously enough to try to shape my life to do what I want to do with my life, even in ways that sometimes look like a bit of a long shot. I'm pretty darn pleased about that.
Going into this weekend, I know it's possible that things won't work out for me. I'll do my best and be my most engaged and interested self. (More accurately, I'll be the best version of me that doesn't swear liberally, which only takes the teensiest bit of extra effort!) Whatever happens, I'm taking a neat trip and I'll meet some interesting people, and I'll get to see some cool life possibilities. Hooray for that!
Thanks for reading along here and keeping me company. Wishing you peace and joy, and adventure if that's your thing!
Awesome. I wish you the best of luck. It sounds like you are in a nice, secure spot and that Hingis are coming together!
ReplyDeleteHi Anne. Thanks for being such a rock of support! xo
DeleteYou sound so confident, happy and together! I wish you all the luck in the world xxx
ReplyDeleteThanks, Jackie! I appreciate the good wishes. Sometimes I'm confident, sometimes not, but I'm getting better and at least not plagued by the boozy doubt-monster! You sound great these days, too! xo
DeleteThat's me... waves of confidence and waves of despair. One wave transitions into the other. reading your posts helps.
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad my ramblings help! One thing about waves is that they do pass. I hope your waves of despair get smaller, too xo
DeleteHi Thirsty,
ReplyDeleteThat does sound exciting!
You have a great outlook!
I'm very glad your diet and exercise is helping you!
xo
Wendy
Thanks, Wendy! xo
Deletefirstly congratulations on your 21 weeks... as always in addition to the wisdom you gained in your previous 'rounds'. I may not be the only one who finds multiples of 7 especially satisfying? so 147 days containing both a 14 and a 7 and being 21 weeks is particularly pleasing! perhaps it is our childhood diet of stories about the seventh son of a seventh son? in any case, a rather belated rousing cheer for that numerically satisfying combination!
ReplyDeleteit's so great to see you carving your new life out of the marble of the old. if we needed any proof that this were the right thing to do, what is revealed when we stop drinking would be that proof. the falling away of that which is no longer required or desirable. the new (sometimes nerve-wracking!) shapes that emerge. wishing you well in your travels and sculpting! Prim xx
Thanks, Prim. Yes to 147 as being a 7x7 number! I was going to write about that but it sounds odd to many. I have some number voodoo that I do to get around being anxious, and I keep a lot of that well under the radar so as to appear sane, at least from middle distance. But it's nice to have company here where I am.
DeleteThanks re the carving. We'll see how it all goes. Nerve-wracking at times, but that's better than numb or bored. Thanks for your visit and good wishes xo
OH man, I hear you on the confidence bit! I feel the same way, although I think it took me until about 2 years to notice ;) So good on you for picking it up sooner than that and also big congrats on taking care of yourself <3
ReplyDeleteHi Rebecca. I'm so glad you get it. I don't think I'm any faster than you, though. It's been 2 years and 7 months since I started this process of quitting drinking (and the blog!) and I have been sober for more than 2 years of that time. I know the whole counting thing is important, and in my title I sound as though it's all a fresh start, but I really have found that the changes I experienced during the previous long periods of being sober are cumulative. Maybe I'll write about that. Hmn. Lovely to see you here! xo
DeleteSo very excited (and proud!) for you. Eagerly awaiting your next update… Good Luck!!
ReplyDeleteThanks! Very pleased to hear from you. Your warm wishes mean a lot to me xo
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