Tuesday 20 June 2017

Round 3, Day 644: Still sober, still quiet, feeling full of life again

Last time I wrote I mentioned going through a low spell, and I wasn't up to keeping up with comments or really even keeping in touch at that point. But I was (and am) really grateful to people who stopped by and said hello.

These days I'm doing much better. It's been almost 4 years since I started seriously considering stopping drinking, and during that time I've thought a lot about what we do when we drink and what it is to be sober. I still maintain that the two time periods during which I decided to return to drinking were useful to me, as they absolutely killed any remaining lure the drink might have had. These days I have no pull to drink. Booze smells like poison. Increasingly I can't even cook with it. Though I rarely do anymore, yesterday I tried to make a small white wine deglaze to go with dinner, and it smelled so much like poison I couldn't bear to eat it. My husband ate the sauce (he claimed it tasted good, not "poisonous") and I just squeezed a lemon over my fish and salad. Really, no wine for me, thanks!

The other day I was caught up in a 911 call to get some help for a guy who had fallen down drunk on the sidewalk in front of my building. The guy was a mess, and he was hostile to me (nothing personal, I'm sure, I'm any woman would get much the same misogynist words from him) so there was no cozy moment sitting with him to keep him company. And I don't want to describe the scene too fully as I hesitate to glamorize the ugliness of it all. But afterward, when my husband and I had continued on our walk to the local fish shop to pick up some food for dinner, I broke down in tears. I couldn't help thinking about how this guy's life has been wrecked by booze. I'm not claiming it's his only problem, but it's clearly a big one. He's a person, and once he was ten years old, and maybe he felt hopeful in that way you do when you're a kid, and he probably kicked a ball around with his friends and smiled and was loved by someone.  And I thought about how many people I know who drink too much and live through so much more misery because of that, and how much I drank and the damage that did to me and to people around me. And also, yes,  I thought about how lucky I am that I got hold of that problem and was able to resolve it. All this came crashing down on me as I walked down the road, and I was overwhelmed with the horror of the drink, how big a role it plays on our culture, and how much damage it does, and how happy I am to be free of it.

Well, I cried for a little bit, and my husband hugged me, and then I got over my weepy spell and, feeling a bit more exposed to the world than I'd been a little earlier, I picked up some fish and walked back home. By then the police were seeing to the guy, and he was sitting up, and my only further role in the event was a brief chat with one of the cops about whether the guy had actually had his pants off when I called 911, or whether his pants had just fallen a good ways down but were still somehow, technically, on. I had no solution for this quasi-legal conundrum. I just thanked them for coming, skirted the increased attentions of the (pants now definitely back on) guy, and came home with my husband to make some dinner.

Having been through another big depression (and I'm still shaky at times but I'll say I'm through it by now) I have such a huge appreciation for the ordinary things in life. It sounds cliche, but it's no cliche to live it. A short walk in the neighbourhood with my husband, a chat at the fish store. Some fresh salmon, panfried, served with a arugula, radishes and cucumbers from the farmers' market, some chewy sourdough from the bakery near my work, and a glass of fizzy water with a drop of cranberry and some sort of cordial that makes for a pretty pink drink. Then tea and strawberries with yoghurt and an early night. For me, that was a beautiful evening. I have many evenings like that, and I enjoy them.

I don't blog much these days, and I probably won't, as I don't have a lot to say about the drink thing anymore. I've been getting interested in doing some new things -- I took up sewing and have learned to make my own clothes! Life feels full. There are some things I find tricky, for sure, and I guess I am still on watch for the return of another low spell that could drag me down again. But life is good. So this is just a small hello from the other side of lots of things, in case anyone was wondering how I was doing, or in case anyone could use a flare sent from the far side of depression, from someone who lived through another low spell, sober, just to find out how it is. It's grand, I tell you, grand. Peace and joy to you. xo


  1. So glad you are in a better place. I often say that everyone has to go back to drinking as many times as they need to before they can quit completely, then I have friends who have quit for years at a time and go back and drink themselves to death. Then we have someone like Carrie Fisher who stated that she won the wars so many times and now she's dead with all kinds of horrible killers in her body. Time after time, day after day, there are reminders that it is never safe to go back into the woods.
    I am glad we're safe and that we are filling our lives up with things to keep us safe. I often leave my blog for long periods but something always draws me back, maybe it is something that knows more than I. Come back and let us know how you're doing and keep sending flares!

  2. Dear Thirsty! Lovely to read your post and I'm chuffed that you're full of life again. Can I just say, your evening meal sounds utterly heavenly. It's only 6am here in sunny England and you've got me salviating. Keep on sending those flares - they're appreciated. Love from The Sober Garden x.

  3. So lovely to read this update and hear you're well. Take care.

  4. Hi Thirsty!
    I am so happy to hear how you are!!
    I am sorry you had another bad time with depression. I really understand that.
    I am wishing you peace and love!

  5. Dear Thirsty, glad that you are back being thirsty for this good life instead of life in the bottle. Thanks for sharing your low and sad times, they hit us all at some level sometimes too. I so appreciate being able, every single day, to be sober and in my right mind and living in mindful and logical thinking. To be one of the ones that is able to stay grounded and deal with what can be done and understand what I can and can't do is just one more of the delights of a sober life. Be well and prosper, you've walked a tough path and come out wiser and stronger by far. Keep it up!

  6. What a lovely post. It warms my heart to hear you talk about enjoying the small things. I know depression robs that from us.
    People on the street often make me sad as well. Especially women. And it does scare me a bit to know that I could be there...I still could.
    I hope I have learned enough to ask for help, even if I am scared.

    Keep taking care of yourself. Pop in occasionally and remind us how beautiful the world can be sober.

    Stillness and peace,

  7. Oh it's so lovely to hear from you. Sending big squishy hugs from NZ. xxx

  8. Hi you. It's ew, from NoMoreSally. I am so glad you're doing well. I will be visiting Vancouver next Saturday, July 8. Maybe we could meet for a coffee? You can email me at: eedoubleu1@gmail.com.