Bike trip, old friends, sunshine--sober!

My partner and I just took a bike trip to a pretty little island city I used to live in. We spent four sunny days away from work and school, biking and walking and eating in restaurants, hanging out in cafes and bookstores, visiting old friends. I'm back at work today, but I'm pretty darn relaxed.

This was my first sober vacation (other than a visit with my partner's family) since I quit drinking, and I'm amazed at how lovely it is to travel without drinking. I can hardly believe I'm saying this, but it's true! We went to some of my favourite restaurants, places I've gone for years and would never have imagined going without ordering wine, and I can honestly say the meals were better for not having wine with them. It's the same old story as other sober people tell, but it's still fresh and new to me: it's such a relief, not thinking about when we can have wine,obsessing about wine, wondering about having more wine.The only wine worry was remembering to reassure my partner to order some for himself! He's so considerate that he would probably just leave off if he thought it might bother me. I end up looking at wine menus with him, thinking about which wine would go with which food, and that's a big part of the fun anyway. I found myself really enjoying the meals, lingering over them just as we would have if we were drinking a bottle of wine. I ordered a bottle of sparkling water and a wine glass for the nice dinners, so I could keep refilling the glass, as the sipping and pouring seems to be part of the dining ritual I enjoy. After dinner we ordered espresso and dessert because it felt like a celebratory thing to do. I didn't used to be much of a dessert eater--I wonder whether desserts just don't taste as good when you're drinking--but I found myself enjoying the coffee and dessert as much as the main courses. And after dinner each night, we went for a long walk, enjoying the warm weather and clear nights.

I know none of  this sounds exciting. But the trip wasn't about excitement. I wanted a break for a few days--just eat, read, walk, and bike--and that's exactly what we did. On the last evening, when we went for a long walk along the ocean, I felt like an old world I'd forgotten was coming back to me. I don't know when I started drinking too much, but walking at night used to be one of my great pleasures, and it was glorious to reclaim it. I was trying to think what we would have been doing if I were drinking, and maybe much of it would have been the same, but I would have been fuzzier, less able to enjoy those lovely moments.

While we were there, I told two old friends I'd quit drinking for good. One I'd talked to in December, when I'd quit for a few months and then started again, so she was a bit surprised, but very curious. I explained that I felt a lot better not drinking, and that I preferred being sober. But then when we talked more, I realized I'd either misrepresented myself or she'd misinterpreted, because she was saying it was interesting that I had started to feel "the pull" of being sober more than "the pull" of drinking. That didn't sound quite right to me--it made it seem like I was just longing to be sober, or that it had all been easy of unconflicted or something, so I tried to be more clear: I had been drinking too much, and it wasn't good for me, and it was hard to quit but I did and I felt better and I was glad I had done it. She wondered what was better, and that's kind of hard to explain: I said I liked being more clear, feeling more and being in the world more, though I admitted that was also the hard part. Then she wanted to know whether I missed that feeling you get when you drink just the right amount of wine, when you feel relaxed and creative (and she went on about that feeling for a while, but I won't go on about it here) and I realized, and said, that I really don't miss it, because I didn't really have it much lately. Eventually it had been too fleeting, that moment when I'd had enough to drink, and it had come at too high a cost to me. She's an old and very dear friend, and it was helpful to talk this all through with someone I know so well. After a bit we went back to the main group conversation, but not before she hugged me and said she was very proud of me. I'm surprised how much that meant to me.

The other conversation was on the phone with another old friend, when we were trying to figure out where to meet. A pub seemed the best option, but I didn't want it to be awkward once we arrived and I ordered soda water. (We have enjoyed many long conversations over much wine and beer over the years.) He just said, "Good for you. I do that once in a while but I never manage it for very long," or something like that. We had a brief, amusing conversation about drinking versus not, and then, next day at the pub, it turned out he'd forgotten about it for a moment. There was nothing awkward, just good friends enjoying each other's company, some drinking, some not.

It's starting to feel normal, this not drinking. I do all the same things, but they don't involve alcohol. It seems to me I feel more feelings and see colours more brightly. I'm so much more present moment to moment. Just looking at the green of the new leaves blows me away sometimes. It's like that. And it's all a lot harder sometimes, too, I guess because so many things are more intense and that can be exhausting. But you know what? I'll take it, harder or not, and when I'm exhausted, that's OK. Everyone gets tired sometimes. Then you just rest, and you feel better. It's just normal.

That's me this week. No big insights or crises, just lots of outdoors and old friends and enjoying the good life, sober. Hooray for that!

If you're still reading, many thanks. I appreciate your company. Peace and joy to you. I hope you're enjoying some good, normal, sober life, too!

Round 2, Day 81: Telling other people

Tonight my partner and I are going to dinner with his parents and some family friends. I wasn't sure how (or even whether) to broach the subject of not drinking with them. Right off, I should say, I have no plans to drink. Absolutely none. So that's not a worry. But the parents and the hosts know me as a wine drinker, and are likely to have bought some nice wine especially to share with me and my partner, so just a simple "not for me" wouldn't pass as an answer. It would be like if you got hold of some great steak and made a lovely meal around it for the steak-loving friend you never get to see, and then she showed up and said she was just having a salad. There are other people involved, and they care. That's how people are. And though I know there are lots of different views on this, it's really important for me to not make other people uncomfortable when they're drinking just because I'm not. I read a lot of "it's no one else's business what you drink" kind of posts, but I think sometimes that might be a bit disingenuous. Culturally alcohol is a shared pleasure, and refusing to share in something is a social and cultural act, not just a personal one. Of course, that's not to say I'm OK with people winding someone up because they're not drinking. That's bad form. But I can see this one from both sides. We make up each other's worlds and other people make up ours, and I'm trying to find a graceful way to participate in this part of my social world now that I'm not drinking anymore.

I have schoolwork to do for the afternoon, but my partner has headed out to spend the day with the folks, and they'll come get me later. As he was leaving, we were making arrangements, when to pick me up, whether we need to bring wine or some other gift, can I really bring two bottles of sparkling water, because one always disappears when everyone sees what a great idea it might be to have some, and that's fantastic, but then I don't want to have tap water for the rest of the night. Just because I quit drinking, doesn't mean I've quit hyper-planning some details, and actually it does help me a lot to work my way through some obvious scenarios ahead of time. Anyway. While we were sorting out our arrangements, my partner asked, "Is it OK if I tell my parents that you're not drinking?" I wasn't sure. Should he tell them it's forever? What would he say if they asked questions? They would ask why, and he's deeply honest and incapable of being glib, a great quality but not one I could rely on if I wanted him to fudge the truth a bit. In my mind I was screaming "NOOOOOO!, because in my mind, he was saying, "Should I just tell everyone you're an ALCOHOLIC?" But he said, sensibly, that it might be easier for me if at least some people at dinner already knew I wouldn't be drinking. And whether they should pick up wine for dinner might come up while they were on the way to get me, so it wouldn't be awkward. We settled on yes. Tell them I'm not drinking. If they ask, explain that I was so busy with school, and I found it easier to be clear-headed and not anxious if I didn't drink, so I'd stopped, and I do feel better. That way if they've already bought special wine, they won't be surprised and disappointed when I'm not sharing it. And they will already be onside if the hosts are pushing wine on me at the dinner, as they may well do.

My god, it takes a lot of thinking things through sometimes. But it's good. It sounds like worrying, but it's more like setting things up ahead of time so when we go, I won't have to worry. Now I can look forward to socializing at dinner, and the drink conversation will mostly have been taken care of. I'm so grateful that my partner gets what I'm doing and can step in to help. It was harder for him last time around, as he really didn't understand how important it all was for me. How could he, when I didn't understand it myself! This time, I'm more aware all around. And I really really really don't want to drink, so that helps!

The other day, I had a long phone chat with my sister, who lives on the other side of the country, (though she would say I'm the one on the other side, as she's "home" and I'm "away"). We had a big talk about the drinking, and I was able to tell her that I'd quit for good. I think she got it! It was such a relief to be open about it, and to be heard. But then she told me what she thought was a funny story about someone making a joke about someone not having beer in the fridge for once, and I was able to say that the joke might actually be painful, not funny, if the someone was trying to quietly make some changes without being the butt of anyone's well meaning humour. It simply hadn't occurred to her that anyone might discreetly try to cut down or quit and might be sensitive about it, even after all we'd talked about me having done exactly that! And she's lovely, a truly kind and thoughtful person, but she just hadn't seen the possible hurt or shame in the situation. The conversation got me thinking about how much where you are has an effect on the drinking, and the quitting. Where I'm from, everybody drinks. A lot. No one is considered to have a problem unless they're pretty hard up, and laughing it off is the norm. I see how much easier it's been for me to quit here, "away," than it would ever have been if I still lived "home".

Last week again I told someone that I didn't drink anymore, and we had a very interesting conversation. We had been talking about the lives of some poets she was reading and the central role that fear of death played in their lives. Many of these writers drank a lot, which was how the drink thing came up in the conversation. I said I had long been afraid of life, and I guess maybe I drank to get out of life once in a while, but I was getting better at facing life, and facing it made me realize it's actually glorious, even though it's still a bit scary. So that's where I am these days--sometimes having existential chats about booze and poetry and death, sometimes working things out with the family, sometimes just concerned that my hosts enjoy their dinner. Sometimes signing off to go write that paper!

Peace and joy to you, and lively conversations and dinners or whatever else it is you like doing with the people you love.