I had a tense and weepy day today. Too many things I didn't want to deal with landed on me all at the same time, and I didn't know what to do. This is the exact kind of thing that would usually send me to a bottle of wine because "I need to relax," and as it was a day off, that would probably have meant wine at lunch, meaning I'd lose the whole day. (Of course, I didn't used to think of drinking wine all day as losing a day. I thought it was an excellent way to spend a day!) Today I absent-mindedly thought of that, but really I had no intention of drinking. Instead I lay around reading a mystery all morning--yes, it's checking out of the world, but I don't think I can go from checking out every evening to 100% present all the time. Later, when my partner came home, I had a good old-fashioned weep. But then I felt better. We made dinner, went for a walk, sat out drinking tea and watching the moon rise, and now off to bed. I'm sober, calm, and all in all pretty darn fine for what started out as a crappy day. So, a lesson in feeling the feeling for me. It might sound banal, but for me, this was an accomplishment.
Sweet dreams out there!
T
Hi
ReplyDeleteFirst time visiting your blog. Found it through visiting "Letting Go".
I've read a few of these older posts. I can relate to a lot of what you've written and I like your writing style.
You wrote:
..."Instead I lay around reading a mystery all morning--yes, it's checking out of the world, but I don't think I can go from checking out every evening to 100% present all the time"
I think this is very good, and true. Don't feel bad for taking "benign distractions" as I call this kind of activity.
I have a blog too, but it's on a different topic. I quit drinking 6.5 years ago and am now "working on" recovery from an eating disorder. Giving up drinking was a big deal for me and even though it's been a few years with zero alcohol I can remember and relate to everything you're writing about.
Good luck.
Hi Gel,
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for reading, and for your comment. I really do love "Letting Go." Such a wise, strong voice she has, without trying to lay any big claims to wisdom or truth.
Congrats on your quitting drinking. 6.5 years. Holy, that's along time. Good luck now with the eating stuff. I have a mishmash of old eating issues and depression stuff too, and it does all fold into one sometimes. Just the messy business of being a person, I guess. I'm glad you can relate to me here, though. Knowing other people can has been a tremendous help to me. Backing off myself sometimes is hard, but I'm trying. Thanks for the moral support.
Now I'm off to check out your blog. Cheers! (Can sober people still say cheers? I think so!)